Sunday afternoon, the very day that that morning I’d started this blog, you know, about how positive and grown… – I had a little talk with J. And felt it to be devastating. Thought, “No! How can I be here? I am hopeless. And can’t help anyone else.”
When he left I was in such bad shape. Desperate. In ways I’ll have to describe in the future; not even go into now. Then he came back and left again. It was even worse. Then I concentrated on only one thing: get. him. back. Prayed prayed prayed for that, lived in a state of desperation.
Now, much time later, after having been through so much, and having had such growth, I actually had peace overnight. Oh, I know if you’re reading this and don’t know me and the past it must sound like it makes no sense. But I guess I’m writing this just for me. I am still a bit desperate. After all this time. And thinking of this and that in terms of ways for a possibility with J… BUT I am catching myself! Wow! Because I also have an actual inner peace!! I would never have believed it. Because it is morning and I am having coffee and must get to work, I’ll try to jot it in a list.
- J is not my higher power. In a sick and dependent way, I’d always believed he was.
- After having tried a 12-step program (OA) years go, but for whatever reasons not managing, I have started again just over a month ago. I have a positive sponsor who is not just a healthy weight and lost 100 pounds, but who is positive in life. She has even been to my house twice. We’ve becoming friends and I love her. And *I* after a lifetime of trying, giving up… have found a concept of a higher power that works for ME. Any that works for anyone, I respect. This one is real to *me.* My Higher Power is not a personified God, but is the Spirit of life and light and love. The Spirit of collective conscious is part of it. All good thoughts and acts are part of it. Hope and smiles, plants and animals, water, earth and our very fresh air… all part of it. I can rest in it. I can rely on the wisdom of it.
- ***I have been working on words, ways,…. maybe J will…must persuade him… In middle of night last night, tossing and turning, I realized go more deeply into this. This power. J. is not your higher power. What is is. Accept. Open. Be willing.
- I am winding up praying something like this: “I have made a mess of many things. Do not have the marriage and family like I’ve wanted. Screwed up that big part of life. That’s the best I could do. Please. Help me. Not to get MY way. Just step in. Guide me. Take me. It can’t get worse in that area of life. I give it to You. I give myself to You. Do with me what YOU want.” It is a prayer of honesty and willingness and openness from a real bottom I have finally reached.
- In the past, I have suffered TERRIBLE things. Mutilation fantasies. Bad things. This is an acceptance – a realization that that is where my self-will gets me. My ego. My craziness. Now I am reaching OUT of myself. And I’m not really crazy today.
- I realize too that I could be IN a great relationship, and anything can happen. The person could die… I can’t live in a state of trying to stave off some fearful things in terms of future. I must live in grace and dignity and honesty and love and service (I’m a teacher) and laughter and joy today. The future will develop…
Today I am grateful. — I am a little troubled, but not jittery nervous. I have some peace. Real. Real peace. For the first time in my life.
Some gratitudes today:
- I am grateful for the peace I’ve strived for all my life and only now feel. So grateful
- I am grateful that I like dark early mornings. Growing up with a schizophrenic mother, I didn’t always. It used to mean, “Oh no. Look at all those dark houses where normal families are sleeping. And here I am, awake with the craziness around me.” Finally – at long last (!) – it means, “I am awake and alive and healthy and have some quiet time to myself before ‘starting my day.'” Peaceful. Yay.
- I am grateful that I get to meditate with my little students. A few minutes a day in mediation with innocents. 🙂
- I am grateful for the light yellow flowers against my dark deep some-shade-of-red dining room walls. I bought them for myself the other day for 5 dollars
- I am grateful for vegetables available to me. Fresh, frozen, canned, organic. Lucky to have access to vegetables.
- I am grateful to have this safe place to write.