Gratitudes Apr 30

  1. I am so grateful that I feel well today (DESPITE the bites!)
  2. I am so grateful that I had half a package of punjab eggplant and half a packing of Seeds of Change brown and red rice with kale and chia for breakfast.
  3. I am so grateful that my coffee maker works. I just have to put less.
  4. and that I decided to try it that way today rather than just jump in and buy a new part:)
  5. I am grateful that I did right by my mother yesterday.
  6. And the day before.
  7. And Sun
  8. and Sat
  9. and Fri
  10. And all I could. Always.
  11. And wiingl today.
  12. I am so grateful that I went to ww yesterday. I loved that meeting.
  13. And that she talked about sitting WITH the feelings.
  14. Which is, of course, the same as in my Buddhism
  15. I am grateful for 2 javas this morning
  16. and the cup of coffee, which I haven’t made in a long time and now got to 🙂
  17. I am grateful for April. It has brought me further in the journey of mylife.
    I am thankful for the journey of my life.
  18. I am So grateful that I didn’t cancel on M last night, even though I wanted to. ‘Cause that would have hurt her and I did NOT want to hurt her!
  19. I am so so so grateful that I went to the OA meeting.
  20. and was asked to lead (til D came)
  21. and it changed something in me. Good!
  22. I was now filled with compassion.
  23. Filled with compassion but NOT thought that i could be stepped on or used or deserved to be!
  24. And my dinner with M went beautifully!
  25. I am able now to not have expectations
  26. and sister stuff, immature
  27. but to be close. Thankful thankful thankful
  28. PS she apologized deeply
  29. and I for my part too
  30. I am grateful for the ww literature
  31. and magazine
  32. I am grateful that I have access to food
  33. and money for food
  34. I never have struggled with not enough food
  35. or water
  36. I am so so grateful for my eyesight.
  37. I will have appointment with eye doc in July
  38. I will have piano tuned asap
  39. I will have tooth whitening dentist appointment soon
  40. and the rest of my dental work done
  41. I am grateful that I just did the laundry
  42. and will go grocery shopping
  43. first will make good list
  44. and list what doing this week, meetings etc
  45. That I’m taking care of my precious self
  46. and liking it
  47. and of my lovely cozy little house
  48. and liking it too
  49. my job will be pleasant tomorrow (I pretty much make sure it always is)
  50. then dr and we will make next appointment
  51. and Jo will drive me home
  52. all might go well
  53. books
  54. I slept most of last night (except for bite-wakening)
  55. I have enough. Enough money
  56. enough warmth
  57. enough cool
  58. enough trees
  59. enough work
  60. enough “free” time
  61. enough people
  62. enough food
  63. enough water
  64. enough electricity
  65. enough freedom
  66. enough sleep
  67. enough thoughts
  68. enough stuff
  69. enough help
  70. i have nice hair
  71. i have nice skin
  72. i have a nice smile
  73. i have pretty eyes. color and warmth of my father’s and shape of my mother’s 🙂
  74. i have cousins
  75. 6 of them are in touch with me.
  76. 2 in real life
  77. more will be i think:)
  78. O
  79. that O and I will get together soon
  80. It was hard for me, crying to Jo Fri night. But I think it was best. This is how it is and now we are both behaving a certain way. It is right (hard, but RIGHT)
  81. for now. – ‘Cause everything is for now. Although I *think* THAT is for good, *everything* is truly for *now* And I’m good with that.
  82. I am grateful that I can walk!
  83. And drive!
  84. and do ALL the thins I need to do to have a good life
  85. I am grateful for the hfs Jo showed me
  86. I will go there today
  87. and then shop for mother and self at supermarket
  88. and visit with her
  89. and crochet and watch a little tv while there
  90. breath. I had such problems with breath. Pneumonia, double pneumonia, asthma, allergies, bronchitis…. No problems with breath now! SO grateful!
  91. salads
  92. and that I like them
  93. and eat them 🙂
  94. I cleaned out the bird cage nice nice this morning
  95. and the food dishes
  96. and put all new foods
  97. and on activity center, put treats and bath… hope they’ll use
  98. I hear them a lot in here right now and most of morning so far
  99. and heard them flying:)
  100. my mother still alive
  101. had to come back to add this – watching my birdies eat their greens is bringing me such a smile:)

Journal Apr 30

I WANT to take good care of myself.
Oh thank you!

~As my mother is declining daily now, and sleeping so much, may I practice radical acceptance and be ultimately compassionate with/to/for her. And keep doing affirmations and gratitudes. Including right now.


Prayers Now:
God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help, of Thy power, Thy love, and Thy way of life. May I do Thy will always, amen.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

~Will meditate at some point. And will report back.

Message: Relax. Trust.
Gift: Calm and joyous day.


Affirmations Apr 30

form Louise Hay:

Life is eternal and filled with joy.
I look forward to every moment.

Life is eternal and filled with joy.
I look forward to every moment.

Life is eternal and filled with joy.
I look forward to every moment.

Life is eternal and filled with joy.
I look forward to every moment.

Life is eternal and filled with joy.
I look forward to every moment.

Life is eternal and filled with joy.
I look forward to every moment.

I accept life on life’s terms.
Everything is how it should be.
The trees are in leaf, the birds (indoors and out) are singing, I am healthy, this is my season of life. It is all as it should be.
In my Higher Power’s time, some things will change.
I accept life and revel in it.
I face my suffering feelnigs and do not escape into consumption over them.

I love my life!

I am pretty.
I am sexy.
I am desirable.
I am smart.
I am competent.
I am confident.
I am filled with joy.
I am loved.
I have wonderful family and love and friends in my life.
I help others and animals.
I have total fulfillment.

I love my life!

Readings Apr 30

How to Love:


What is the nature of joy and happiness? How can we touch true joy in every moment of our lives? How can we live in a way that brings a smile, the eyes of love, and happiness to everyone we encounter? Use your talent to find ways to bring happiness to yourself and others – the happiness that arises from meditation is not the same as the feeling that comes from the pursuit of pleasure seeking. Meditative joy has the capacity to nourish our mindfulness, understanding, and love. Live in a way that encourages deep happiness in yourself and others. you can vow to bring joy to one person in the morning and to help relieve the suffering of one person in the afternoon Ask yourself, “Who can I make smile this morning?” This is the art of creating happiness.

My takeaway: Yes! SO much better than “escaping” feelings. Working on not escaping feelings…

How to Sit:


Many of us spend a lot of time sitting – too much time. We sit at our jobs, we sit at our computers, and we sit in our cars To sit, in this book, means to sit in such a way that you enjoy sitting, to sit in a relaxed way, with your mind awake, calm, and clear. This is what we call sitting, and it takes some training and practice.

My takeaway: LOVE this!

How to Eat:


Washing the dishes
is like bathing a baby Buddha.
The profane is the sacred.
Everyday mind is Buddha mind.

When you are cleaning the kitchen or washing the dishes, do it as if you were cleaning an altar or washing a baby. Washing in the way, joy and peace can radiate within and around you. The idea that doing dishes is unpleasant can occur to us only when we are not doing them. Once we’re standing in front of the sink with our sleeves rolled up and our hands in warm water, it’s really not bad at all. I enjoy taking my time with each dish, being fully aware of the dish, the water, and each movement of my hands. I know that if I hurry in order to go and have dessert or a cup of tea, the time of dishwashing will be unpleasant. That would be a pity, because the dishes themselves and the fact that I am here washing them are both miracles!
If I am incapable of washing dishes joyfully, if I want to finish them quickly so I can go and have dessert and a cup of tea, I will be equally incapable of doing these other things joyfully. With the cup in my hands, I will be thinking about what to do next, and the fragrance and flavor of the tea, together with the pleasure of drinking it, will be lost. I will always be dragged into the future, never able to live in the present moment. The time of dishwashing is as important as any other time.

My takeaway: This is HUGE!

How to Walk:


The mind can go in a thousand directions.
But on this beautiful path, I walk in peace.
With each step, a gentle wind blows.
With each step, a flower blooms.

The mind darts from one thing to another, like a monkey swinging from branch to branch without stopping to rest. Thoughts have millions of pathways, and we are forever pulled along by them into the world of forgetfulness. If we can transform our walking path into a field for meditation, our feet will take every step in full awareness, our breathing will be in harmony with our steps, and our minds will naturally be at ease. Every step we take will reinforce our peace and joy and cause a stream of calm energy to flow through us.

My takeaway: May I do this.

How to Relax:


We human beings have lost confidence in the body just knowing what to do. If we have time alone with ourselves, we panic and try to do many different things. Mindful breathing helps us to relearn the art of resting. Mindful breathing is like a loving parent cradling a baby, saying, “Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of you; just rest.”

My takeaway: Ahh This helped me today. Ah. Yes.





Gratitudes Apr 29

Must. Do. Gratitudes. Must.

  1. I am grateful for my dentist
  2. and that I saw him today
  3. and he made the molds for the bite thing at night
  4. safe and PLEASANT drive there
  5. and back
  6. WW today
  7. leader kissed me
  8. She talked a LOT about the process
  9. I got some good hints.
  10. Although Jo is being so COLD, they are working on the wall and THAT’s good  –  REMEMBERING HOW MUCH THIS DAILY WORK HIAS HELPED ME, I MUST GO ON. Okay
  11. I am so gateful that i am free
  12. and not terminally ill
  13. and alive
  14. and didn’t kill myself
  15. and didn’t mutilate myself. I remember when I was scared I would. That was terrifying.
  16. I am so grateful that I can see.
  17. I am grateful that as I sit here in the den, my birds are next to me, singing away.
  18. I am grateful for my friendship with T
  19. I am grateful that the dentist had a tiv i could set for the long time. Well he thought it was long. It was fine
  20. Grateful that it was fine
  21. I am grateful for my health. Oh bigtime. Especially now, as my heart pounds (stress), so gateful for my health
  22. Stress relief techniques
  23. I think I WILL be able to track for the whole week this time
  24. When Jo WAS here for me. Car, drive, beans, flowers, post…
  25. Maybe he will be again
  26. And maybe I will have a romantic good relationship with someone (else)
  27. I am grateful that I take good care of my birds
  28. Roseanne repeats
  29. good books
  30. can go to OA if need in little while
  31. will get through this dinner with M
  32. and is better than sitting home alone
  33. laughter
  34. humor
  35. that I CAN walk
  36. that i CAN drive
  37. I’m grateful that I have a car
  38. and it’s good. Because 2 years ago it was a bad car. Always big troubles.
  39. I’m so grateful for my jo that ienables me to afford these things.
  40. I’m grateful for WW
  41. And to have the half day monday, which I need, for my doctor’s appointment
  42. I’m grateful for hope
  43. I’m grateful that KC has swans in her yard in the little lake, right now:)
  44. and the one who used to come right up to be with her!
  45. I’m grateful that I CAN be grateful on someone else’s behalf like that!
  46. I’m grateful for Saturdays
  47. And that I will shop tomorrow
  48. and have good food for the week
  49. and that I’l do the laundry tomorrow
  50. I’m grateful for my brain
  51. I’m grageful for my safety
  52. I’m grateful that most nights I sleep well
  53. I’m grateful for my feet
  54. and my legs
  55. I am so lucky to have water
  56. and food
  57. and veg sushi out
  58. even the sticky rice
  59. I’m grateful that I have healthy popcorn
  60. and a rice cooker
  61. and a hot air popcorn blower
  62. and lights
  63. and my piano
  64. and the tuner, who is good and will come soon
  65. I’m grateful that despite being taken advantage of financially Sat, I will go on and be ok
  66. I’m grateful to have had my mother all these years
  67. I will shop for her and visit and crochet and watch tv with her a little tomrrow
  68. I’m grateful for the father I had
  69. and how he made me feel about myself
  70. and all the lessons I have learned
  71. Adn that I’m calming down as I write this
  72. I’m grateful for my spirituality
  73. and for these gratitudes
  74. D
  75. K
  76. St
  77. B
  78. mindfulness
  79. that my district is supporting it and moving forward with it
  80. and I was at the beginning:)
  81. my principal
  82. that I do have meaning in my life
  83. my OA meetings in P
  84. and in Y
  85. J
  86. fb
  87. my cousin Jn
  88. and my cousin K
  89. and J asking if I needed shoveling help last month ❤
  90. I am grateful for a few dollars for new clothes.
  91. And I will buy some as soon as I have this bites situation straightened out
  92. All my piano lessons
  93. All that I’ve learned
  94. that I play
  95. That I am literate
  96. and help others to be
  97. EJ having been there for me so much
  98. Eucarin non-fragrance lotion
  99. that I floss now every night
  100. Dorothy on Golden Girls

Affirmations Apr 29

From Louise Hay, for the eyes:
Life is eternal and filled with joy. I look forward to every moment.
Life is eternal and filled with joy. I look forward to every moment.
Life is eternal and filled with joy. I look forward to every moment.
Life is eternal and filled with joy. I look forward to every moment.
Life is eternal and filled with joy. I look forward to every moment.


I am good.
I AM deserving.
I AM worthy of a good, respectful, kind, LOVING relationship.

Journal Apr 29

I’m tired.


It’s been a LOT. I still don’t know what’s been biting me. It has been over 8 weeks. I had exterminator check house bed etc nothing. Had contractor/friend check – he checked 3 x. Nothing. Was driving friend 4 – 6 hours a week. She has 3 cats and 2 are long-haired. Stopped driving her just in case. Went to dr (who said stop driving friend). Verdict: bites. She sent me to dermatologist. Verdict: bites or allergies. She sent me to allergist. Verdict: 100% these are bites. Washed sheets, towels, clothes, coat – everything. Took a while! Washing everything. Had car done and house exterminated TWICE!!!!! Birds away boarding both times. Dr co-pays, meds, 2x bird boarding and 2 x extermination came to $2600.00 out of pocket. Nothing for about a week and a half.  Last night? Bites.
I don’t know what to do!

Anyone? Any idea?

Meanwhile, today I will go to WW and then dentist. Then mother. Then meeting. Then out with M.
The ONLY thing of that group I’m looking forward to is WW.
Tomorrow I will do laundry and grocery shopping (I like both) and can chill all I want, but harder to chill when lonely. Oy. Gratitudes will be important today!

God, please please help my friend’s whose family lost a 19 year old in a horrific car accident yesterday.
And my friend Ka, who is in such pain and no one there to help her. (several states away)
And Tr’s daughter and marriage and herself, my dear friend.
And my mother, with her confusion.
Thank you

God, I offer my self to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help, of Thy Power, Thy Love, And Thy Way of Life. May i do Thy will always, amen.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things i can, and wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

I want to be more open here. I just am having a bit of trouble with going INTO the feelings right now, ’cause kind of on a treadmill and then, despite my Buddhism, I escape (tv, computer, overeating:(

Working on it 🙂


Gratitudes Apr 27

  1. I’m grateful for radical acceptance.
  2. That I must accept and am accepting that my mother is confused and it is not her fault and she is taking it out on me
  3. J contacting me yesterday about it
  4. and going there all day Wed last week
  5. and Fri
  6. and yesterday
  7. Me having the courage to call him back
  8. It went well. Or fine anyway.
  9. Yesterday’s day on mindfulness at work
  10. That they let me go
  11. that they paid me to go
  12. and paid my sub
  13. and I had a great sub
  14. That we practiced together, once
  15. that although I wasn’t crazy about the morning, it was fine
  16. adn I loved the afternoon
  17. The leader, just back from her week with the Dali Lama, recognized me right away.
  18. I got some great tips for using in class.
  19. Pretty bird just landed on little branch out front ❤
  20. I’m grateful that I brought my lunch yesterday. ‘Cause there was nothing there I would eat (except fruit)
  21. And that they provided water
  22. The great papers she gave out on the helpful hints about where, how, when etc for meditation
  23. I learned some things.
  24. We got presents! her book yay
  25. and a chime yaya
  26. and curriculum yay
  27. and a mandala coloring boo to copy for kids (or I will put in gift box I think)
  28. and a meditation CD
  29. the district paid for all those things (and lunches and her for the day). Cool.
  30. Omg the trees are SO beautiful right now! Dark dark bark (from rain) and bright light thick plumpy buds! LOVE!
  31. And I see them here, THROUGH part of the evergreen. Gorgeous
  32. I learned some things yesterday about what *I* want/ feel need/ more of. Like nature.
  33. I’m grateful that I have health to go to work. I remember when I didn’t
  34. Grateful for sleep.
  35. Had bad dreams. But you know what? I’m grateful for them too. Interesting. Maybe something to learn there to,; I’m just too tired… lol
  36. Grateful that I can walk
  37. And walk mindfully
  38. and can decide whether mindful of things around me or in me. Or both
  39. Grateful I get to meditate with kids
  40. and they get to lead
  41. Grateful for my idea about space and how to clean up my classroom a
  42. and what to offer
  43. songs
  44. pieces of music
  45. Weekend coming.
  46. And I WILL take away anything that is too much.
  47. my hands! I lvoe moving my hands. It feels so good to me.
  48. Salads.
  49. Crocheting
  50. People are LOVING the colors of what I’m making (I’d been conflicted about it at first but *I* love it now too)
  51. water
  52. food
  53. My eyesight
  54. my legs
  55. my feet
  56. my lungs!
  57. Breath! My breath!
  58. this block on which I live
  59. my mantel. Unusual. Not traditionally pretty, but the stuff on it all means something to ME.
  60. humor
  61. laughter
  62. kids
  63. squirrels
  64. my birdies
  65. and the birdies outside too
  66. I am grateful that I can think. Truly grateful.
  67. I am grateful for my iPohone
  68. and my book
  69. and my Nook
  70. I am grateful for this table
  71. and that i put a littel tv in the d.r.
  72. I am grateful for my couches
  73. and my pretty painted walls
  74. and beams in l.r.
  75. and in my kitchen
  76. I am gratefu to have a bathroom
  77. and indoor plumbing
  78. I am grateful that I’m pretty enough:)
  79. friends
  80. family
  81. cousin J
  82. cousin K
  83. the 3-tiered dish
  84. rings
  85. earrings
  86. bracelets
  87. my FitBit
  88. necklaces
  89. ankle bracelets
  90. temporary tatooes (conscious ink or something)
  91. my hair
  92. my eyes
  93. my eyelashes
  94. my lips
  95. Lipsense lip color stuff
  96. Laura Mercier tightline
  97. bras
  98. comfy shoes
  99. that I can speak. Yes, really. I remember when I couldn’t
  100. my hope chest
  101. hope

Journal Apr 27

First prayers:
God, I offer myself to Thee. To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help. Of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always. Amen.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

Yesterday, it “hit” me, that what my mother is going through now is too much like when she was crazy and I was a teen. But the REALIZATION was good! So, I continue practicing what I call radical acceptance. Because if there’s nothing i can do about something, I can be miserable OR I can accept and enjoy my minutes. I CHOOSE the latter.

Yesterday was good for me. The day on mindfulness at work.

I felt last night, like staying home today. But I won’t. I still feel it, but I’ll go in. I will take it easy but be good to kids and they will learn stuff. But I will go in.

Maybe I will see my mother tomorrow instead of Sat, buying me some time for only pleasant day and dentist Saturday.



Readings Apr 27

How to Love:


Without the pressure of other elements, what you are now calling love may turn sour very soon. The support of friends and family weaves a kind of web that helps keep a relationship strong and long-lasting. The strength of your feelings is only one strand of that web. Supported by many elements, your relationship will be solid, like a tree. To be strong, a tree sends a number of roots deep into the soil. If a tree has only one root, it may be blown over by the wind.

My takeaway: Yes. If only I’d known then… – but I know now.

How to Sit:

The first thing to do is to stop whatever else you are doing.

Now sit down somewhere comfortable. Anywhere is fine.

Notice your breathing.

As you breathe in, be aware that you are breathing in.

As you breathe out, notice that you are breathing out.

My takeaway: Don’t want to complicate it? Then don’t complicate it. 🙂

How to Eat:


This cup of tea in my two hands,
Mindfulness is held perfectly.
My mind and body dwell
in the very here and now.

Wherever you are drinking your tea, whether at work or in a cafe or at home, it is wonderful to allow enough time to appreciate it. If the weather is cold, you can feel the warmth of the cup in your hands. Breathe in and recite the first line; breathe out and recite the second. The next inhalation is for the third line, and the next exhalation is for the fourth line. Breathing mindfully in this way, we recuperate ourselves and the cup of tea reclaims its highest place. If we’re not mindful, it’s not tea that we’re drinking but our own illusions and afflictions. If the tea becomes real, we become real. When we are able to truly meet the tea, at that very moment we are truly alive.

My takeaway: omg yes. and reading these in the morning helps me so much. ❤

How to Walk:


Some of us don’t need ot use words to help us concentrate, but in the beginning of the practice it can be very helpful to make use of words. They help us to be concentrated, to be in the here and the now. When you take one in-breath, make two steps, and say to yourself: “I have arrived. I have arrived.” Take one out-breath and make three steps, adn say to yourself: “I am home. I am home. I am home.” This is not a statement; this is a practice. Arriv in the here and the now, and make a strongdetermination to stop adn not to run anymore. You an say, “Arrived, arrived,” as you breathe in, and, “Home, home, home,” as you breathe out. After spending some time with “Arrived, home,” you can change to, “Here, now,” and then to,”Solid, free.”

I have arrived
I am home
in the here,
in the now.

I am solid.
I am free.
In the ultimate
I dwell.

My takeaway: Oh yes. And will use TODAY.

How to Relax:


Whenever animals in the forest are wounded, they rest. They look for a very quiet place and just stay there without moving for many days. They know it’s the best way for their body to heal. During this time they may not even eat or drink. The wisdom of stopping and healing is still alive in animals, but we human beings have lost the capacity to rest.

My takeaway: Perfectly 100% needed today. Thankful.