Month: July 2017

Affirmations July 31

I am in a committed relationship of  pure good whole real sexual romantic wonderful love.
What a happy marriage we are in!
All is perfect in my world.
I am healthy, whole, happy, feminine, and fulfilled.

I am in a committed relationship of pure good whole real sexual romantic wonderful love.
What a happy marriage we are in!
All is perfect in my world.
I am healthy, whole, happy, feminine, and fulfilled.

I am in a committed relationship of pure good whole real sexual romantic wonderful love.
What a happy marriage we are in!
All is perfect in my world.
I am healthy, whole, happy, feminine, and fulfilled.

I am in a committed relationship of pure good whole real sexual romantic wonderful love.
What a happy marriage we are in!
All is perfect in my world.
I am healthy, whole, happy, feminine, and fulfilled.

I am in a committed relationship of pure good whole real sexual romantic wonderful love.
what a happy marriage we are in!
All is perfect in my world.
I am healthy, whole, happy, feminine, and fulfilled.

Life is eternal and filled with joy. I look forward to every moment.
Life is eternal and filled with joy. I look forward to every moment.
Life is eternal and filled with joy. I look forward to every moment.
Life is eternal and filled with joy. I look forward to every moment.
Life is eternal and filled with joy. I look forward to every moment.

 

Readings July 31

DAILY REFLECTIONS:

A PRAYER FOR ALL SEASONS

God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, Courage to change the things we can, And wisdom to know the difference. – Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 125

The power of this prayer is overwhelming in that its simple beauty parallels the A.A. Fellowship. There are times when I get stuck while reciting it, but if I examine the section which is troubling me, i find the answer to my problem. The first time this happened I was scared, but now I use it as a valuable tool. By accepting life as it is, I gain serenity. By taking action, I gain courage and I thank God for the ability to distinguish between those situations I can work on, and those I must turn over. All that I have now is a gift from God: my life, my usefulness, my contentment, and this program. The serenity enables me to continue walking forward.
Alcoholics Anonymous is the easier, softer way.

My takeawayS: 1. All of us need or wouldn’t be tehre.
2. Turn it ALL over – in that turn over decisions, the knowing which is which (as in this prayer which kind of already doe it), the doing, and the things I can’t change. The good, the “bad,” the realities.

 

Gratitudes August 1 – mistake – it’s july 231! leaving all grats alone though + 1 = I just gained a day lol

July Gratitudes First, Specifically:

  1. My eye exam which went so well!
  2. J. staying with mother the other night omg SO grateful – no words
  3. New bathroom
  4. New bed. So now I have both.
  5. Sleep. I did sleep well most all nights.
  6. ww through July
  7. oa through July
  8. Eyesight through July
  9. My birds were fine
  10. I had gotten the great colonoscopy results before then.
  11. I maintained taking good care of my house
  12. I practiced some piano
  13. I went to the beach once. That’s more than i did last few years!
  14. I became closer with my friend, D.
  15. M and I did well with our friendship.
  16. A is well physically – so much better in the big way and even other ways. I am so grateful for that
  17. I did have some nice times with my mother
  18. I saw St twice
  19. I have been there for others in need, including B and KC and KZG and M
  20. I have lost a little weight in July
  21. I am not struggling with it as I had been
  22. Reading. I enjoyed reading in July
  23. I did not have work stressors on top of everything else
    I made it through
  24. I kept up with my house
  25. I had people here for Jo’s birthday. And I stet the table nicely with colorful plastic things and fresh flowers and a birthday balloon. And we had a nice time!
  26. I had cleaning lady 2 times
  27. I breathed despite the construction allergies
  28. I drove safely
  29. I kept up with my car
  30. i kept up with my mother
  31. I had support when I needed it too
  32. I paid my bills
  33. I did not go totally bat shit crazy with the stress-caused HUGE financial mistake that has put me in debt
  34. I called a therapist. It didn’t work out, but I did try.
  35. I kept up here enough.
  36. I kept up with my two facebook pages.
  37. I visited N
  38. I cancelled E. Both were right.
  39. I went to lots of meetings. Didn’t quit after all.
  40. i think I wasn’t suicidal at all – or once i was a little scared but got through  and talked –
  41. I have stayed close to my Higher Power
  42. I had all the medicines i needed
  43. i had manis
  44. i had pedis
  45. even specialty pedis
  46. i had magazines. These are all luxuries
  47. bought new bras – much need –
  48. I have FIVE now! – 2 black, 2 beige, and 1 red!
  49. and a great sports bra for exercising
  50. and – I bought clothes! 10 tops, 5 pants, and 4 dresses!
  51. i have been crocheting – and well
  52. The screened thing got put up in backyard – no mosquito bites even at dusk if want to sit in there!
  53. I watched a sunset
  54. I did not get sick (meds are regular things)
  55. This was a lot of good in July and now today: Today I am alive
  56. and the windows and doors are open
  57. and the birds are chirping
  58. I just did call my mother. It’s hard. But I did the right thing
  59. J will see her later today
  60. I will see her tomorrow. That’s good. That’s enough I think
  61. I am wearing a conscious ink temporary tattoo manifestation – pic won’t work on this so i’ll just tell it says: Choose Love Now
  62. jo working to get architect for wall to get on it
  63. i had good shower in new bathroom
  64. i put away all laundry clothes
  65. i ate good breakfast including broccoli (for emotions)
  66. I’m not shopping for/visiting mother today – will do tomorrow – MIGHT visit her later we’ll see
  67. J will see her today
  68. I will go to either ww or oa this evening – in either case, an easy to get to and good one
  69. I have meditated once today ( and will do more I’m pretty sure)
  70. I have the other two therapist’s numbers right next to me…
  71. I have looked them up… – getting closer to calling..
  72. the weather feels great in there
  73. my outdoor flowers are still alive despite my lack of watering them –
  74. Okay I’m back. I just watered. Front and back.
  75. And it felt great.
  76. And I even put the hoses up – I’ve been VERY lazy about that lately and they’ve lain all over the place. But not today: )
  77. It is dry and breezy out
  78. with a beautiful blue sky w
  79. and little bit white clouds
  80. and lovely breeze
  81. I am very grateful that flowers need water – it “forces” me to…
  82. Took care of birdies first thing this am
  83. and indoor plants, which needed water (once a week)
  84. the indoor plants are doing well – yay lovely!
  85. my med was just delivered
  86. as my drops were last week
  87. I now do tip the guy and made up for years didn’t
  88. D invited me, last night, to go away for a few days soon with her and her daughter – and – I think I have a man who will stay at the house so I’m not leaving it! Awesome
  89. I was remembering last night how desperate my morning work used to be. How i was sitting in the l.r. and despondent “God, I hope I’m not alone in cyber-space” and it’s not like that anymore. I’m not like that anymore. Putting this in “Changes” category now!
  90. And that day – that day when there it was: “You are not alone in cyberspace, Honey” I will always be thankful to EJ. ❤
  91. I believe in miracles
  92. and I think I’m starting to expect another one…
  93. J’s help with my mother. Omg huge.
  94. D’s idea about it all.
  95. This is really a very self-care day for me. Lucky.
  96. My father. I had a really great father. None better.
  97. How h always made me feel ok just as I am.
  98. How he loved education
  99. He was brave and was in WWII
  100. H was so loving to my mom
  101. so patient
  102. so intelligent
  103. so funny
  104. Us watering the grass together for a month
  105. He was so good with animals, knowledge, compassion, understanding, care
  106. And convinced my mother for us to get a puppy xo
  107. I hve hope
  108. and I am ok. Been listening to so many people lately – and realize – we all have stuff…
  109. Not in a war
  110. Not ill
  111. free
  112. not a slave
  113. not working 2 jobs or 12 hours a day or in horrendous circumstances
  114. have home
  115. have car
  116. have people
  117. not bedridden
  118. Law of Attraction – and may i tap into it only more amen
  119. SO MUCH more acceptance
  120. meditations D has sent me –
  121. stop, breathe, and think
  122. finding my misplaced ywbd ring (Your will be done)
  123. M. C.
  124. JL
  125. Li
  126. Et
  127. ER
  128. Ju
  129. and others from oa meetings
  130. I have a sponsor nw!
  131. and can (and will) continue on with steps – from now Step 6. LATER – NEED MORE GRATS – DOING NOW:
  132. i am smart
  133. i have degrees
  134. i ahve a job
  135. i am funny
  136. i am warm
  137. i am affectionate
  138. i have great hugs mine and from – so giving and taking and sharing
  139. i am liked
  140. i am honest
  141. i am an upstanding citizen
  142. i can be trusted with a confidence
  143. i can be trusted in an emergency

Journal August 1 – No – It is July 31 – I just gained a day haha :)

August 1.
July was a very stress-filled month for me.
The last week was very very very bad.
But there were also wonders and miracles and sleep and so so much to be grateful for. I think I’ll go do those (and other) gratitudes and then com back here.
PS Did meditate =- very distractably but might again anyway – 2 more times even today

Affirmations July 30

The Universe takes perfect care of me.
I am a miracle.
I am so happy.
My life is wonderful! Perfect! my life is perfect!
I love every minute of my beautiful lifd!

I have love.
I have romance.
I have family.
I am so fulfilled!
All is perfect in my world.

Life is eternal and filled with joy. I look forward to every moment.
Life is eternal and filled with joy. I look forward to every moment.
Life is eternal and filled with joy. I look forward to every moment.
Life is eternal and filled with joy. I look forward to every moment.
Life is eternal and filled with joy. I look forward to every moment.

Gratitudes July 30

  1. my mother is home
  2. with her aide
  3. J stayed there Fri night omg thankful!
  4. I have a bathroom
  5. a toilet
  6. a shower/bath
  7. and sink
  8. and floor
  9. and tiles – first time ever this bathroom, built in the 1920’s, has had tile
  10. I have a bed
  11. have slept in it 2 nights now
  12. sleep, precious sleep. I remember when I didn’t get an hour of sleep for many months! wound up with double pneumonia – remember the first night i sletp an hour and 40 minutes, how hopeful and excited I was – went to J’s work to tell him
  13. Down another 1/4 pounds. Will keep going
  14. ww
  15. oa
  16. 11 people at oa meitng last night. I remember when it was 3
  17. the crocheting is back on track. I am determined to finish
  18. life
  19. health
  20. breath
  21. eyesight
  22. I am grateful fro my freedom
  23. all my freedoms
  24. I am grateful for the zucchini and tomatoes I made the day before yesterday
  25. I m grateful fro all vegetables
  26. and all the organic food I have
  27. and water. Plenty of water
  28. and fresh coffee this morning
  29. I am grateful that V is stable and that K texted to tell me so
  30. I am grateful fro all the care i have every had from anyone.
  31. Including Ji
  32. and J
  33. and mother
  34. and father
  35. and even sister
  36. and M
  37. and A
  38. and D
  39. and St
  40. and O
  41. and K
  42. My friends growing up
  43. Including Lori
  44. and Valerie
  45. and Barbara
  46. and Dawn
  47. that I extricated myself from the situation with JD
  48. email
  49. texting
  50. fb
  51. phones
  52. popwords game yes really
  53. ipad mini
  54. piano
  55. Columbo last night. relaxed and enjoyed
  56. hope
  57. future (probably)
  58. changes
  59. that i do not wake up, “Oh fuck I woke up,” anymore!
  60. that maybe I can help anyone(s) get from there to here
  61. my new sponsor yay
  62. my birds
  63. dear little one flying around to where cage used to be yesterday, kind of telling me, “We want to go back there”
  64. and me able to do it as bathroom smells from remodeling gone, my blessed boys
  65. on way to ww now. bright, light, cheerful, learning,a nd crochet there lol
  66. I am so grateful for the cool weather these few days
  67. and the dry – although i must water lol
  68. my birds just slept a while – together – and are now lively and chirping and dumping about
  69. Golden Girls
  70. the crocheting going better
  71. that having probably ruind my laptop by spilling water omg – will not kill me. I can get over it…
  72. that i am more positive
  73. my beautiful new bathroom
  74. i have provided a home for myself
  75. sleep – in bed – at night
  76. my brain
  77. my safety
  78. tv
  79. i will finish this f’in blanket and be free again lol
  80. america
  81. tha i can speak
  82. that i rhink well
  83. oa
  84. ww
  85. good out this am
  86. driving
  87. all the fears i used to have (at different ages)  that i don’t have anymore – including – all elevators, tunnels, driving, being alone in house, health worries, that i’d never be able to work more tahn 3 years, that i could not eat better, that i’d be all alone and lonely, that i was some kind of victim, that i was “invisible,” that i was unworthy of love, that i couldn’t get the garbage out, that i couldn’t do my laundry, that i couldn’t go clothes shopping, that i couldn’t keep up with regular grocery shopping, that i couldn’t pay my own bills – i mean physically pay them, not just afford them, the mail, phone calls, that i could never sleep again, the horrible nightmares, that i’d never get rid of the mice, that i couldn’t keep things clean and in order, that i coudln’t get myself to work every day, that i’d never be healthy, o uninjured, that i couldn’t take care of my birds, that i might never speak again, that i’d lose my eyesight, that I’d never come lol, that i was stupid, that i couldn’t handle banking, that i could never do for my mother, hell, that I could never speak to my mother let alone help her with body, aides, finding apartment, money, lawyers, visit…, that i’d never play piano again (injury, money, practice, talentless…), that i’d never feel oay, that the “veil” would never b lifted, that i couldn’t do my own errands like drugstore or best buy or pc richards or home depot etc, that i wouldn’t have the energy for work, that i’d get fired, that i would always hate working,  that i could never get things fixed around here, that i would never laugh or love with a man again, that i’d never be able to deal with t workers around here, that i’d never be able to deal with aides in my classroom, that i was a reject deject mistake, that i would never not be suicidal, that i would never not be mutilational, that i’d be schizophrenic like my mom, that i would never get to have that feeling i’d wished to in my 20’s real person functional ok etc, that i would never feel like a person, that i would never feel whole, that i wouldn’t ever (again?) feel like a woman
  88. that i got from ther to here. and there’s more. and i DO help others. children, and some adults too
  89. that some say I’m an inspiration
  90. greens
  91. that i don’t take soda
  92. that alcohol doesn’t call to me
  93. fun
  94. that i finally got to the beach this year
  95. walking.
  96. sports bra came in
  97. that i do get things done
  98. that i have degrees
  99. and am at the top of my profession
  100. and support myself
  101. my yard
  102. jo
  103. J

Journal July 30

Relieved. But it is a LOT. A LOT.
All those talks with J.
Thank God he did what he did to help.
But my heart – J…
Mother – better but – you know – like – so mixed for me… – there, not there, newish person, almost always some trauma, almost never any joy…
But ~I now~ that life is in the moment. – I have a bathroom now, and a bed, and am very thankful for that. My mother is home, with her aide. J did come through, big-time. I have food and water and ~health~ How different would it all be if that medical test had come out differently…
So, I’m kind of moving into gratitudes here and will go do some, then rest of “work” later on
Anyone who looks at my blog – thank you so much. May you be blessed!

Journal July 29

Omg.
I was WIPED yesterday. WIPED
Wasn’t sure could drive the 45 minutes to post-op check.
Did.
All was fine.
But shaky tired on way home.
Decided to stop for lunch, despite financial problems – so would eat, and go home 4:00 call possible therapist (looking and had call appointment) and lie down. First time bath and bed all month. And just collapse.

Well –
WHILE eating lunch, phone rang.
And it all started.
SO MANY CALLS – others to me, me to others, M on calls, aide agency on calls, J on calls… me driving on highway with all these calls…. – mother was discharged and agency had sent her aides on other cased and no one could come – hospital said law is i must or some family member – come and pick her up and be her aide at home – OR she could stay at hospital and we pay out of pocket – what?
I was now overwhelmed
After hours of calls and nervousnes… the resolution was this:

Th ONE decent person at agency, got mother’s aide F released from her sub job to do today at 9am. And J – J(!) slept over there last night.
I literally feel to my knees in thanks.
Just when getting up, phone rang – I’ll tell why important in a moment.
Remember – talking with J is painful because I lost him:(
Phone was D saying she and her son going to movie would I come with I said YES!
Well movie wound up being Dunkirk. Hard. – But a needed reminder: How big are my problems really?

Anyway, laptop broken – so much is on it. HOw did it break, you ask? Because I dropped a glass of water on it ysterday!

So, I will go to ww now. And then hopfully have the energy to get it fixed. Otherwise, it will wait til Monday or tomorrow or whenever I can.

Meanwhile, I have this to use, thank God. ‘Cause I feel lik I’d go crazy without it.

My leave soon.

Will meditate

Will do all my spiritual work today

and will crochet…

Grateful yes.

Journal UPDATE July 28

omg
I SO felt needed a break
Bed came
stress and relief and – so much – J stuff – stuff
So I went to post-op check and on way home stopped out to great self to late lunch, thinking, ok, then I’ll go home and chill. Good food in ma belly and chill.
NOT!
That is when the phone calls started!
LONG story short – mother discharged from hospital but agency has sent both her aides on other jobs – so family member must do or else we PAY OUT OF POCKET for her to stay in hosp til monday when aide can come! Don’t have the MONEY for THAT! And as for staying there, I cannot. CANNOT. If you didn’t grow up with a schiophrenic mother, then you’ll have to take my word for it. I have done many difficult things for her. But staying in her studio apartment overnight tonight, no. CANNOT. Not an option.
Many phone calls – in and out – and I was working on it, J was working it, agency was working on it…
All WHILE I was driving on parkways trying to get phone call to possible therapist – cause I need one
End is: agency stepped up and got aide for tomorrow at 9am. And J will stay over tonight.
I literally got down on my knees and thanked God.
Now aide MUST get there tomorrow.
Ok, I just called. She will be. Oh thank you, God.
PS post-op was fine
PPS May I get the help I need.
PPPS May I have happiness.
PPPS May I do whatever it takes for my mother.
Amen.

Gratitudes July 28

  1. omg bed is being delivered right now.
  2. bathtub was resurfaced yesterday
  3. SO intensely grateful that J has been so involved with all the mother stuff. Very grateful.
  4. I am grateful that here, feeling like on knees with exhaustion and a bit of overwhelm lately, that I have turned to Program.
  5. Program friend E just called
  6. also said has been praying for me, and for my mother, for a long time now and still is. Thank you.
  7. bed is here and put up. ok. with remote (sleep number). -Ok I am feeling them let me just go quickly through list here we go
  8. bed
  9. maybe no more bitd
  10. tub
  11. bathroom
  12. jo was here cleaning yard
  13. that i can afford that
  14. he will be back later – i’m not sure what for, and i might not be here
  15. tonight i will take a bath or shower and sleep in real bed
  16. eyesight
  17. breathing
  18. piano
  19. house
  20. windows
  21. cool enough out
  22. a/c where/when needed
  23. birds fine –
  24. knew to take them to other place in house behind closed doors with windows and other door open during the smelly resurfacing job
  25. and other bathroom work, some of it… they were far enough away yay
  26. that the eat pellets (as well as treats and greens avian vet allows also but pellets important for them
  27. that I am ABLE to care for my birds
  28. that i knew enough to stay watching while strangers in bedroom so no steal. the probably wouldn’t have, but at leas I wasn’t 100% naive, like i used to be
  29. that i am not in the chaos I was in when I first was with J
  30. or 3 short years ago
  31. or even more recently than that
  32. i can speak
  33. and drive
  34. and walk
  35. i have a home
  36. and a car
  37. and a job
  38. and a Program
  39. and meditation
  40. vegan cookbooks
  41. that I cooked something today – not from cookbook but from life with mother (Italian zucchini and tomatoes)
  42. and I just tasted it and it’s so good
  43. salads
  44. oa
  45. ww
  46. cousin P
  47. cousin J
  48. cousin K
  49. cousin L
  50. cousin Lo
  51. wiltings getting-tol be able to take self to post-op visit today. Struggled with this sort of thing even 3 months ago. managed, but struggled
  52. same with home depot
  53. and bank
  54. and therapist-finding
  55. and meetings getting-to
  56. I called that therapist N recommended
  57. and left message
  58. BG fb her example and friendship
  59. K
  60. D
  61. O
  62. S.S.
  63. A
  64. L
  65. M
  66. Dr C and what he just yesterday did for my mother – or was it day before…
  67. L ww leader
  68. N ww leader
  69. Ch ww leader
  70. JL
  71. St
  72. MA all those years
  73. hope. I am so thankful for hope
  74. EJ. All that time, dear EJ.
  75. honest people
  76. kind people
  77. non-human animals, all of them
  78. Sanctuaries for them
  79. E and all the good fine work she did for animals in need
  80. Md (fb and message board and irl)
  81. that ww has changed so much. It really IS Beyond the Scale now
  82. I am grateful for good oral surgeo
  83. and good dentist, thanks to J
  84. that J called that day to see if I needed snow shoveling help. I think I reacted wrong, but I am so grateful that he called
  85. doctors who are good
  86. nurses who are good
  87. nurses who are kind
  88. doctors who listen
  89. meds for schizophrenia (mother)
  90. phone in dashboard in car
  91. my steering wheel
  92. and seat. really. they are comfortable for me
  93. that I was able to GET that car
  94. and that J helped day 1 (of 2) ❤
  95. that I am not in NEED of someone – anyone – to rescue me – ant be with someone, yes. But have done this all on own.
  96. my former shrink telling me that. trying to get it through
  97. crochet
  98. today. this. very. day. friday. all that it brings
  99. the meditation i just did
  100. the law of attraction
  101. the secret (book and concept)