Chapter 2 First Work Nov 12

“The first step in relinquishing the ego’s projection of specialness is to spot-check whom you’ve made special. … daily inventory… “Whom have I made the most special and how, within my life… also things: job, career path, ideal weight… Shine light… make a list of your top ten… include self if applies”
“Use your journal and write out all the ways you’ve created special relationships within your life. Make a list of your top ten. Include yourself in the list if it applies.

My top ten:
*J. – literally believing I cannot live without him. Literally stayed when beating. Literally ONLY felt safe when touching him. Sitting next to, anything. He would turn away from me in bed and squiddle to the other side, and I would run around and squeeze in on that edge. Then the other. Etc etc. I ONLY felt safe when with him. It was tapped into partly *because* he did everything for me and cherished and adored me, and at other times hit, ran from, left etc. It cannot be him. It must be the schizophrenic mother stuff that was being tapped into. In any event, wanted desperately to hurt and mutilate self when things were bad with us. And wanted even more desperately to die when we were not together. If – no – since – I got over that, I can get over this…
*O – I sucked off her strength, making my friend really my caretaker. Believed I needed her to shop, to get through, to get places like dr or gym, etc etc etc. Was SO needy. Believed her strength and sort of masculine strengths were special and necessary for me as if somehow my friend owed me all this.
*M – when she insisted we be “sisters” I finally gave in to that, even though it seemed so impulsive and so immature. But then, *she* became my be-all. My go-to. I would do “anything” for her, and she must be same with me… So needy. So boundary-challenged.
***Must not be mad at self. Not judge. Just notice. And I’m already seeing the pattern.
*My mother – oy. So much. It was like I needed her to be ok. I needed to *make her* ok. I needed her acceptance. And I needed to make her happy. I gave up a lot of my own life times in an effort to achieve this. And of course, couldn’t achieve it. I even tried to bring J in to taking care of all this… wow. – And – despite it all, always feel guilt that don’t do enough.  *Important to remember – don’t judge don’t judge not doing this to judge self
*Perfect body – As long as I could sit on beach in a bikini, cross-legged, without even a line in my stomach let alone a roll; as long as I could lie on my side and have a perfectly and I do mean perfectly flat stomach; and yes these things were checked in mirrors, all was well. THIS was what matter. THIS was what set me apart. Special. – Was I happy? NOPE!…again, self, just shining the light, not judging
*My house. It was THE thing. If I had a house in order, I was alive, I was a person, I was okay. Everything was the house.
*Eating. The only thing more important than the house, or even J, was eating. Eating eating compulsively eating, over-eating. This goes to the “Escape into fantasies” idea that hiding out and overeating and numbing and reading and studying and preparing to live would somehow work. Most of my time spent this way. And if near J during, all the “better”
*My job. Because of fear. I needed to function enough at my job. Yes, a good deal of it was conscience for the children, and also for the district that pays me. But also, fear. Fear fear fear. If I could earn money, we’d be safe. I’d be safe. And he’d be safe which would mean I was safe.
*Enough money. If I had enough money, I’d be safe. I’d also be worthwhile. If husband had “important” job. You know, that elevated me but didn’t ask things of me. Omg wow. Don’t judge – don’t judge self!
*What others think of me. Never in adult life believed in lies. Except of course, for others to think I’m okay.
*Sleep and food to an extreme. Obsessing an planning and doing for sleep and some doing for food. If i could get ENOUGH sleep and relaxation, THEN I’d be okay. If I could eat perfectly, THEN I’d be okay. Of course I couldn’t, so I’d go the other direction and eat crap volumes and volumes of crap. Wow.
*11 – but important – Being the little Struggler-Bunny. Even as a child, felt need to be important. To matter. To exist. To be recognized. I remember seeing the Song of Bernadette I think it was called movie. And how she suffered in silence. And I thought, THAT can be me! As if this were a good thing! I remember with guys, “little (my name) who keeps going no matter how big the obstacles… THAT was my “claim to fame.” Of course, all I was really doing was reinforcing and attracting problems to myself and a life of struggle. Wow. So eye-opening.
*G, high school boyfriend. 12. “supposed to” do 10. But is okay. This was much like J only stronger and longer with J. My disease progressed… Mother got OVERTLY sick and was sick and hospitalized a lot for (and beyond) these 4 years and I ATTACHED to him like with an umbilical cord.

***”I choose to perceive this person as equal and know that the light in them is equal to the light in me.”
I choose to perceive this person as equal and know that the light in them is equal to the light in me.

So far today:
J of course
And myself. I have the “I am special” need. I will get all this done… I can do so much… I am more positive than others. I used to be more negative…
–I am part of something bigger. We are all connected. We are all equal and the light in others is equal to the light in me–

 

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