So I’m remembering also others I’ve made “special”
Omg Dave. And I didn’t even WANT him! But I OBSESSED. Calling DAILY. Even when staying at Ji’s mother’s with him. SO needy. Desperate.
Same with Bill. My stomach would fall out you know, that feeling. I begged the NUN at work to use her office phone (only place to make a private call) when someone else was becoming interested in him… And I was in love with J at the time! But J was in California, I was “rejected,” I was needy… I had that feeling buying toilet paper to bring there for goodness’ sake! “What if I’m buying it for HER?!” Omg. Great (powerful) memory.
All of this instead of building a real family.
Mustn’t put self down. Is not about judging. Love did not create judging and so it is not real.
Also, if I felt this about Dave. And Bill. (and others – to an extent that other guy Ji and that pot-smoker guy and omg tall Tim in college and JD and Tom with the letters from Detroit wow it goes on and on…) then that is further proof that it is not about this one person, J.
Love did not create lack and need and desperation, and so it is not real.
I choose to perceive this person, J, as equal and know that the light in him is equal to the light in me.