I had a couple of clean breaths this morning.
A mentioned Sundays are for doing nothing and I realized I STILL don’t have a “lazy” day.
Yes, partly I’m always accomplishing or collapsed. Which is sessions in itself.
But also – I think I’m afraid of the not doing – like the silence – although it winds up feeling good sometimes – also the – not worthy to live. So must accomplish to be a bit more worthy AND must
shit I forgot that thought right in the middle of it!
the 1st was to sort of earn my way
the second – to not face the horrible fears?
I am even afraid – very – there goes my chest (pain) – about money now… long-term…
I think I should work the two years more but start each day with meditation – and go slow – not allow anyone else’s crap to determine my day, my speed, my self-worth feelings, my anything!
Ok already (7:06) I’m feeling like – so much to do! Report cards! Bills! Acme for return and pick up! Find the notebook with the bills information – and the rest starts building. NO. ALL I HAVE to do today is pay car. Find nb if can. That’s ALL.
IF I am bored I can do about 4 – 5 report cards.
There must be a belief that I CAN’T do it! Despite for how long I HAVE been doing it!
Because I am like sick-in-the-chest over just paying the car bill today! – But I always do it. Like feeling chesty over it! I must do it now to get it overwith and stop worrying. Omg.
And wondering (worrying) now – is this so ingrained – so long – so old – that it cannot be helped…. 😥
Last – every beep from fb pm – every phone call – every text – becomes my emergency – why? – And what is the way out of/past/through this?
PS I LOVE my flowers outside. They are bringing me happiness!
The – I get upset that so old before could do… –
Then I remember what MA’s mother said and MA told me – and I think: just go for the happiness from here and now (and IN here and now)
Sometimes though, it makes me worry about future money
and what exactly is MY obsession with fb? I think I’m AFRAID to be ALONE – like if i don’t keep up, i won’t have these people. but hello, i don’t anyway!