Wow. 6:42 am Tuesday. Been sick for over a week/ home with pneumonia since Sat morning. And here I sit thinking – more important FEELING – like I’d better check each room for straightening, shower and wash hair, put on cute clothes – because landscaper coming. (friend used to be lover). REALLY? Omg my sense of worth is in such need. It’s about being unworth and will always be alone…
And “I have to do the report cards, and the laundry, and make sure all is ready for cleaning lady Thursday…” Wow. I need a LOT more meditation!
But the good is that my breathing is so much better.
And last night I felt relieved
And this – the happy irony – I went to store for few minutes yesterday, rather than asking Jo to go for me. On way back, getting out of car, I had this thought: I am so happy that I am capable. I am so proud of myself. I don’t need J. And I don’t need ANYBODY that doesn’t want ME.
I no sooner get in the door, but J texts that sorry I’m sick and do I need anything! That felt SO good.
So while sick I heard from:
M, D, Tr, MT, N, A, D, J, MI.
I am not alone!
And of course later I started thinking, “J would rather be with me if he could stand it. His life will be easier. I think it could happen…” and I felt better… (emotionally)
anyway, M just called and is frantic. a LOT going on with her. I was able to be there for her without really taking it in. That’s what I want to do.
Now that I’m starting to feel better, I must be careful: Better not well. Slow. Baby steps. Health first.
Grateful to have this chance at life
7:47 May I never again – NEVER! – need to rest “from life” so much that my body becomes sick.
8:06 – after last night’s fear about how “crazy” i could be (asking jim to not die that year…) – realizing it is ABOUT what can i do NOW?! life is NOW
And even on show “My 600-lb Life” yesterday, the therapist telling the person to write about the bad life experiences but with a new twist of how strong she’s become
You know, I have had to fight a lot of physical things. The year-long injury. The 10-day hospitilization. Flu 3 times. Pneumonia 3 times. Lyme disease that took 6 1/2 weeks just to DIAGNOSE! over a year out of 3 in bed from the lyme disease, double pneumonia, and 4 accidents. The bleeding omg. 2 shots/ 2 hysteroscopies/ finally a hysterectomy.
So, like really, I haven’t had much chance to be – to be and enjoy and not just be healing.
that doesn’t even count the psychological – the wanting to DIE when J left – the way back D.C. snipers – the 90’s Twin Tower attack/ the summer’s since J’s gone… the mother things…
Somewhere this is big related to my mother too. The grief…