Big shot at work (no real person just dream)
Not so cute but cute enough
And seemed a little interested
Couple uncomfortable exchanges with 2 other people – one trying to “make me” do something in front of whole staff – from memory – when I kept saying I would need a card
I felt it was making e look stupid oh well
But he wound up saying, when we were over working together on something (lie a workshop atmosphere): Let me ask you something. Would you like to go out sometime.” And I said, TOO enthusiastically, “Sure.”
Later he said something that felt good to me and something that felt bad to me
The good: how stupid that one person *in the exchange) was
Other: something that sounded like “out” meant about work
Bt we went out
And we were walking like Chinatown type place – something city –
He was talking about future fancy restaurants
*I * was the one now more invested – already –
(think: Angeline and Brad)
*I * was light-touching him too much. … What I was really invested in was him finding me acceptable and wantable (not saying desirable because wasn’t about sex was about acceptability)
At one point he said something I didn’t like or something and came down (tall) to kiss me on mouth and I didn’t let
Then I was – glad I didn’t, for me, but worried now I’d be REALLY unacceptable
We wound up LONG walk to get home
I . Was. Naked! It was his fault. We were walking (real streets and aquaduct and park near my house) and people were looking. Lots of guys. Black guys…
I was furious. Embarrassed. Dying to get home. So disappointed and angry.
(Self – are you phony and afraid for people to see the real you and angry when they might?)
On and on like this. SO mad. He didn’t care at all. Maybe thought was funny or something?
Finally got home. (different home) Touch counter, rounded corner to other room, touched counter (lots like kitchen counters). Grounding self – reminding of when home from D’s in May – health food store – put away cold – straight to piano – hadn’t even brought bags up!