Okay so now I have 3 plans-opportunities for this week. i’m not thrilled about any of them. BUT – better than having none.
It tells me though, it is the INTERNAL stuff – ’cause that’s why I kind of can’t enjoy anything. But then again – I always only could when guy was in life and here at least for later. But that’s not healthy that’s pathological. so this gives me an oportunity again to be stronger better happy
and see Journal July 2 for more of the story
Also – it’s taking HOURS and HOURS to do the gratitudes omg
NEED to work on this
M doesn’t feel it
D doesn’t understand it (cause it makes no SENSE)
Oh God if I knew then what I know now – the importance of fam. Of my loved one being here
I mustn’t take away that J had/s problems too, though. But – if I’d known what to do, I could have made it work out differently – But mustn’t hate self either for it, because did all could. I grew up the way I did, with the problems I did have…
I even had it when Ji and I were married and I finally got to quit work and have a little house. But I would linger in bed til like 11 am no PURPOSE. lonely… … … (Ji even gave me a pad ton write plans on like day minder and said he knows I NEED to be busy doing things. HE knew. I didn’t.
I need purpose that’s why even work helps. and the love and appreciation I get too. But I don’t want to be that person who works for like EVER. But I must remember I manifested a FAMILY – THAT was the part I was concentrating on and BELIEVED (ex what I’d written in ww booklet) and now I can manifest this too! And enjoy meantime!
Why do people take so much crap from fam. relationships? Because THEY *KNOW* the importance of family! I do now too… PRIMARY family I mean
And adding this here on JULY 3:
I might as well really DO the meditations, vortex stuff, READING about the stuff too, and meetings – not only so good for my future, but changes my feelings DAILY and also opens up so many possibilities…
Everybody has tough times. It is just part of life. Mine are all in my own head and therefore I (have to lol) believe can be changed.
HOW “so much better since starting therapy” ?
The BIG thing is the J thing – the abandonment thing – the rejection thing – the how small I make myself thing – the major INFERIORITY thing (on the other side of which is the superiority thing!
maybe the anger thing
and the eating – which I don’t think you can help me with maybe cause not compulsive eating specialist? (not offense meant here!)
4th 6:20 pm
This feels like shit.
Family and friends who “love” me.
NOT. ONE. PERSON on the planet invited me to anything. D did but took it back when I referred to it, “Oh I think we’re not going; it’s probably gonna rain.” Yeah, well it’s not raining.
No one wanted to be with me? I have nothing to contribute that anyone would want?
No one even felt sorry enough for me to invite me?
This is shocking.
Hurtful and disappointing and shocking.
I really don’t know if I’ll ever trust again.