For Therapy on July 11

This first line done morning July11: half hour the big issue and only IF TIME, rest the Debbie thing? – or maybe not bother with 2nd

I think I would do anything to get better from this.
The sinking stomach regarding J (and whatever else is under that).
What is the WAY?
I don’t WANT to continue on this way!
I am not afraid of work, time, looking at hard things, homework,…whatever I have to do!

ALSO SEE EARLIER ONE FROM LIKE JULY 2 – because didn’t bring laptop in last time

Writing this part at D’s on July 7:

Also will put in “Therapy” so can discuss with her:

My stomach – PIT! Like stomach dropping out. Starting night of 4th of July. Big yesterday and today
It is definitely J – related.
AND – on 5th he called about probate and I felt stomach drop as soon as saw his name on phone – he was nice – ok fine – but I was SO nervous – and THEN – he asked like second time, What else new? And I mentioned have to get park pass want to go beach. And don’t go to other one (OB) on own – if he ever wants to go with…. and he kind of almost giggled nervously and like “yeah…” meaning yeah no – you know how that sound is. And then said, “You can get that park pass easy – right at the …”
I. Felt. Like. Shit.

Felt desperate.

And the question is:
Why the stomach thing – oh God could it be that it is intuition – there is no hope and somewhere inside me knows it –
OR – could it just be my own FEAR – in which case still bad ’cause fear can cause it to happen…
So I am VERY disturbed by this.

Am TRYING to raise my vibration a la Law of Attraction.
I feel that (and I couldn’t say this about OA …).I would do ANYTHING to get over this problem.
And yes, I know it is not 100% J related – is way earlier problem….
God please help me.
Many tears this week.
Nervous and even a little scared.
It has helped a touch writing about it here.
God, please help me.

Today is the 9th now:
from youtube Abraham Hicks Start Attracting Like a Magnet:


  • well-being is the only stream that flows (don’t pull against it)
  • From the youtube right now: What does my Inner Being know about this – and
  • What does my Inner Being think about this – and
  • What does my Inner Being feel about this – and
  • The Source within you only sees that which is a vibrational match to that which is good
  • Inner Being, Source within Me: what do You think about this – and listen – do it all day – and will feel thoughts of reassurance relief washing through you again and again – allowing self to come back into alignment with who you are on every subject
  • In your thriving – you are tuned to well-being – love – clarity – etc. So tune self to these
  • Self – so tune self “How am I tuning myself” – I have the capacity to see something I do like wherever I look – or to look somewhere else –
  • can control what feel because can control what think about
  • help yourSELF
  • which was also the message at Thich Nhat Hanh’s educator’s retreat
  • not be results oriented – be how feel in moment oriented
  • Your Alignment is not like degree – once get is yours forever more – it is or isn’t in the moment – is always available to you is just a thought or 2 away –
  • ex instead of coming together as a group trying to figure out how to get big clump of money so can do something with it, enjoy being together as group
  • instead of figure out where to put the money – point is understand are endless places and one place is as good as another
  • point wasn’t to find most needy place to put money there
  • the point was to have a reason for money to flow through you toward something that made you feel good while it was flowing through you
  • give because it feels good to give (not because other person begging)
  • ex don’t give money to someone because they need money – give because inspired to – freshness aliveness happy withlifeness looking for where going of person might evoke it from you….
  • feel that something wonderful going to happen to you will be in your vibration and affect…
  • all from:
  • EXPECT the wonderful!
  • when in alignment with who you are, are cued up
  • Source of you knows who you are how you feel and everyone else to – will cause impulses – be tuned in tapped in turned on – your work is to figure out what you’re feeling and from where you are wherever it is, find the best feeling that you can
  • today i’m going to look for things to feel good about and i’m gonna do my best to feel as good as i can feel whenever i’m consciously aware that i’m feeling at all
  • is mantra
  • only mantra
  • and eternal quest
  • and will feel little better about this – and this – and this…
  • better better better and no longer now needing to control things because can’t anyway and
  • you feel better anyway
  • and the better you feel, the more aware of how you feel you are
  • and better able to make choices
  • and life just flowing along and life going so good for you
  • no longer paddling hard upstream and getting tired and ornery – just let go of the oars and boat turns around in the stream
  • when I relaxed and allowed self to enjoy everything ever wanted was within easy reach and my boat in the water took me to it
  • gave up struggle trained to perfect, and in moment did that, things started getting better
  • never had anything to prove anyway. and attempt to proving it was messing up my life
  • i was worthy without the struggle but couldn’t get reward until stopped strugge
  • an good person anyway – nothing need to do to prove that to anyone
  • everything that matters to me everything that is good already knows my goodness
  • is ME that doesn’t know it – not God
  • let SELF know your goodness
  • enjoy ride on river – is a really frolicking good ride – takes me to wonderful places
  • wonderful other people also riding the river
  • stream causes us to rendevous and have really good times together

on July 11 – maybe need homework?
(debbie thing a little – nutshell equals she doesn’t ask she tells – we are doing … …. for the WEEK and you are coming – MY idea is say many appointments and things to do but which 2 days are best for you? OR to have honest discussion about my healing – but I don’t know that she CAN because will feel insulted that I don’t want to go the house of the wise matriach and do it THERE – her way {when i NEED piano and morning spiritual work and workouts and you and ww and oa and my home and my friends and my birds and my garden… but i don’t WANT it in isolation and i DO want my family!})

I have been sick. Twice for DAYS each in Oct
then in winter
then flu in Feb
then again I think and can’t even remember
then pneumonia in June
take stresses into chest – do NOT want to!
do NOT want to be overwehlemed!

HAVE been spending more and more time – and want need MORE on the law of attraction stuff raise vibration
AND – feel NEED this for mental AND physical self


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