Happy Happy Journal July 31 2018

 

The doctor called. Results came back all fine.
Another test waiting for results but “not related” more routine.
And – odd because is like scar tissue or something (nothing ever happened there) so she wants to see me in about 3 weeks and to check that hard part that goes into vaginal wall
Fine! Happy to go!

Now – the “work” is to look at those thoughts I had with my feet up in the stirups – that phew I don’t have to go away with D in Aug and that if dying, all I want is some good time with J. So I have some changes to make.
********But the REAL “work” is – to JUST FEEL GOOD. Be in the feel-good as much as possibly can.

Also – this has been a GOOD thing. Because I have just spent like 4 days on the positives. For maybe 2 hours total I was very nervous – and otherwise – positive positive positive. And eating better. and well – just literally filling myself with positivies.
Good.

If anyone reads my blog, I want to thank you. When I see numbers that some people ARE reading it, it means the world to me. That I’m not alone, and also that maybe I can inspire/help someone.
I shouldn’t say IF – the numbers show that some do xo

Later now –
My attitude has been: life. I am well or I am sick. Just live this moment best happiest way can.
Now my attitude can become: Life. I get what I want in this relationship or I don’t. Now just live this moment best happiest way can.

To remember and learn for future also though:
How disappointed I was “alone” and Jo’s coldness and what if the workers weren’t here working how alone  but how I turned that into: *I* will grow into new place by next year. *I* will take care of ME. Right now SELF-CARE and Universe and things will be different by next summer

and the greatest thing you (I  – we – one) can do is FEEL. GOOD. NOW. somehow. IN this moment feel good.

Much later now.
I feel good.
And I think this concentration – this focus on feel good and all this Hicks and Louis Hay “work” – practice not work 🙂 – has gotten me to feel that :
I MUST feel good.
I tis my JOB to feel good.
So, like instead of sitting here like, “Alone. No j> … … ” I am sitting here just feeling good. same circumstances. different feeling.
Wow.

– Later still:
May I never forget the lessons.
So easy to forget.
May I remember.
The lessons like:
Just. Feel. Good.
You will be well. you will be sick. Just enjoy this day. Live this day.
A new lease on life.
Don’t sweat the small stuff.
If not J, someone else.
Either don’t do the things you hate and dread, or find a way to love them!
Keep filling yourself with the positives. Because it works.
I didn’t WANT chemo. Or surgery. Or hospitalization.
I DID want work. And to not stress over it.
And friends. Loved ones.
Having house in order inside and out was such a comfort.
I can and want to put my OWN health mental and physical and spiritual, first.
I do have a great life.

 

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