About Gratitude July 1 2018

I SO don’t want to shop for clothes.
But I am now staying in a state of gratitude about it!
Like this:
HAVE the money
Can easily get to store(s)
HAVE the time
Big sales now
Next few days will be very hot and I can redo closets
Feel so good about new makeup and pocket books and wallets
Want/need/deserve to feel better/ good about self. NEED some clothes. (Have VERY few and not good…)
Have car to get there
Will find some stuff. Did last time…

Gratitudes July 1 2018

  1. Yesterday
  2. Today
  3. Got pocket books yesterday. Should be good for like 2 years.
  4. Got wallets also.
  5. got new eye makeup and makeup. Yay
  6. Will get clothes/ maybe shoes today. Maybe bras… All needed.
  7. Yesterday’s lunch and dinner
  8. Made Apple store appointment needed
  9. water yesterday
  10. walking yesterday
  11. time with M yesterday
  12. piano yesterday
  13. Jo washed outside chair yesterday
  14. they did some work in basement waterproofing too
  15. and plunging of bathroom sink
  16. will finish whatever that needs today or tomorrow phew
  17. flowers outside
  18. the in-honor-of-my-mother tree
  19. Jo also planted the pussy willow plant from C (also in honor of my mother)
  20. piano. everything that means including MY piano
  21. practicing
  22. playing
  23. lessons
  24. the mindfulness of it
  25. the “I exist” of it
  26. showers
  27. my hair looks great today!
  28. my dress yesterday
  29. my dress the day before
  30. will go to ww today
  31. went yesterday too.
  32. my eyesight!
  33. that I can read music
  34. that I have finally “taken piano back”
  35. that I can read
  36. will see fam this month
  37. that flying in nephew as surprise to sister! 🙂
  38. Tr
  39. N
  40. M
  41. AM
  42. M
  43. St
  44. O
  45. A
  46. DS
  47. CP
  48. MI
  49. L
  50. KC
  51. KB
  52. MG
  53. KD
  54. MA all those years
  55. ML all those years
  56. SB
  57. summer vaca off from work
  58. my job. Yes, both
  59. enough food
  60. will probably food shop today
  61. enough water
  62. enough money
  63. enough house
  64. enough a/c
  65. enough heat
  66. enough hot water
  67. enough car
  68. enough gas
  69. enough all. “You have all the conditions for happiness.” TNH
  70. mindfulness
  71. joy
  72. vegetables
  73. fruits
  74. health
  75. my breath!
  76. tv background
  77. just did some Mozart
  78. Maybe today will ONLY ww, food shop, cook, laundry, and piano. MAYBE shop clothes – shall see.
  79. that I don’t have to wear a watch, ’cause I hate them. And couldn’t get talked into an iWatch yesterday! Yay me.
  80. Compassion
  81. Patience
  82. ww
  83. phones
  84. acceptance
  85. my freedoms
  86. lentils. and that I like them now
  87. chickpeas. and that I don’t hate them now
  88. my washer and dryer. really. i used to not like going to laundromats!
  89. that i can breathe well (couldn’t always)
  90. my dishwasher
  91. my neat house. that i keep it that way
  92. my abilities
  93. hope
  94. my Higher Power
  95. prayer
  96. fun. every time i have it – and more now and to come
  97. gratitudes
  98. honest people
  99. that i can walk
  100. that i live so convenient to so much: city/ country/ beaches/ stores/ parks…

Dream July 1 ’18 toward morning

July 1
Dream
Big shot at work (no real person just dream)

Not so cute but cute enough

And seemed a little interested

Couple uncomfortable exchanges with 2 other people – one trying to “make me” do something in front of whole staff – from memory – when I kept saying I would need a card

I felt it was making e look stupid oh well

But he wound up saying, when we were over working together on something (lie a workshop atmosphere): Let me ask you something. Would you like to go out sometime.” And I said, TOO enthusiastically, “Sure.”

Later he said something that felt good to me and something that felt bad to me

The good: how stupid that one person *in the exchange) was

Other: something that sounded like “out” meant about work

Bt we went out

And we were walking like Chinatown type place – something city –

He was talking about future fancy restaurants

*I * was the one now more invested – already –
(think: Angeline and Brad)

*I * was light-touching him too much. … What I was really invested in was him finding me acceptable and wantable (not saying desirable because wasn’t about sex was about acceptability)

At one point he said something I didn’t like or something and came down (tall) to kiss me on mouth and I didn’t let

Then I was – glad I didn’t, for me, but worried now I’d be REALLY unacceptable

We wound up LONG walk to get home

I . Was. Naked! It was his fault. We were walking (real streets and aquaduct and park near my house) and people were looking. Lots of guys. Black guys…

I was furious. Embarrassed. Dying to get home. So disappointed and angry.

(Self –  are you phony and afraid for people to see the real you and angry when they might?)

On and on like this. SO mad. He didn’t care at all. Maybe thought was funny or something?

Finally got home. (different home) Touch counter, rounded corner to other room, touched counter (lots like kitchen counters). Grounding self – reminding of when home from D’s in May – health food store – put away cold – straight to piano – hadn’t even brought bags up!