Tarot Nov 28 2019

anything below in this [ ] is MY words/thoughts added

This Day – Judgement:
Making an honest appraisal, separating wheat from chaff, getting off fence, awakening to possibilities, making a fresh start, seeing everything in a new light, discovering joy.
Feeling impulse to act, knowing what must do, answering a need.
Feeling cleansed and refreshed, releasing guilts and sorrows, forgiving self and others [self!], atoning for past mistakes, unburdening self, feeling sins washed away
The feelings that come with salvation. Reborn. Past and all its mistakes behind me. Ready to begin anew. If you are in a low period, in need of hope and absolution, Judgement can show you that renewal is at hand.

Past, Present, Future
Past – IV of Cups:
Self-absorbed, seeing only own point of view, passively accepting, lacking motivation, withdrawing from involvement.
Unaware of cup being offered to self. Wrapped up in own world. Lost interest in activities that bring you pleasure. Stuck emotionally.

Present – Reversed Wheel of Fortune:
Using what chance offers. Witnessing miracles. Having a change in fortune. Being surprised at a turn of events. Rejoining the world of activity, getting involved. Expanding outlook, discovering purpose.
If you’ve been struggling with a problem or tough situation, this card can signal that you will find the answer if you stand back and view everything from a larger perspective. [ Yes since turned it over]. Life will speed up.
(reversed, so on way to happening)

Future – The Hierophant:
Increasing understanding, knowing where to put your faith, conforming, feeling loyal to others, working as part of a team.
Belief systems. Group identity. Sometimes we need to follow a program or embrace tradition, other times, we need to trust ourselves.

Big Book on Fear Nov 28 2019

…”We asked ourselves why we had them. Wasn’t it because self-reliance failed us? Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn’t go far enough. Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn’t fully solve the fear problem, or any other. When it made us cocky, it was worse.
Perhaps there is a better way – we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.

Affirmations and LoA Thanksgiving Day Nov 28 2019

Our Source Is One of Love, Not Condemnation . . .
When you pay attention to the way you feel, and deliberately choose more thoughts that feel good while you think them, you will begin to recognize the nature of your Broader Non-Physical desires. The majority of negative emotions that you feel are not because the subject of your thought is wrong, but instead, because you are condemning something that your Source does not condemn. your Source is one of love, not one of condemnation.

What If Source Were Standing in My Physical Shoes?
It is not your job to make something happen – your work is to dimply determine what you want. If we were standing in your physical shoes, our attention would be upon bringing ourselves into alignment with the desires and preferences that we have launched. We would consciously feel our way into alignment.

To the Degree I Am Happy, I Am Successful
Whether it’s a trophy, money, relationships, or things, the achievement of anything that you desire must be considered success. But if you will let your standard of success be your achievement of joy, everything else will then fall easily into place. For in the finding of joy, you are finding vibrational alignment with the resources of the Universe.

You did not come to this physical time and place to prove anything to anyone – to prove worthiness or to make your mark on the chart. You came forth out of your sheer exuberance for life. You said, “I will happily go forth into the physical experience, and collect the data of my time and place. And then I will allow guidance from within. I will look for things to appreciate that cause me to vibrate in harmony with my broader perspective. And as I achieve this enlightenment, or clear vision then I will be a funnel that will allow pure positive Energy into this time and place . . .”
    You are here to take thought, through experience, beyond that which it has ever been before!

Your Inner Being is aware of where you stand and what you want and where you stand relative to what you want. Your Inner Being knows how close or how far you are, vibrationally and time wise from all things. Your Inner Being is also knowing what is in your heart and what is in your mind and what is in your vibration – that at any point in time, your Inner Being knows exactly the action or thought or word that would be appropriate for you.

Affirmations and LoA Nov 27 2019

I Came as an Extension of Source Energy . . .
You came as physical extensions of Source Energy, understanding that you would explore contrast, causing expansion not only for you but for All-That-Is. You knew that you could find your way back to the resources of your Source by “feeling” your way – and by understanding that the relationship between you and You is not one of separateness but of alignment and resonance . . . When you master the Art of Allowing your consistent alignment with the Source within you – every other relationship will be beneficial and pleasurable.

I Have the Ability to Direct My Own Thoughts
You have the option of observing things as they are, or of imagining them as you want them to be – and whichever option you choose, your thoughts produce a vibration within you that equals your point of attraction, and then circumstances and events line up to match the vibrations that you have offered.

An Empty Feeling Is Telling Me Something Important
A negative feeling indicates that your current choice of thoughts is so out of harmony with your Source Energy that you are disallowing your full connection to that Energy Stream. (You could say that your fuel tank is approaching empty.) Your emotions do not create, but they do indicate what you are currently attracting.

Your loving, Inner Being offers guidance in the form of emotion.
Eentertain a wanted or unwanted thought, and you feel a wanted or unwanted emotion. Choose to change the thought and you’ve changed the emotion – and the creation.
(Make more choices in every day.)  


Looking for the Good in Everything! Nov 27 2019

hey, at least I’m not tempted to eat the wrong things for me or to overeat… 😉

Also, how happy were you dependently going along to family things with D omg, or with J’s family and feeling not accepted (by them OR him sometimes) and nauseous… and feeling like I’m failing at that too…

I COULD look at this as:
I had years with fam – fine – boring – fun – whatever
Years with Ji’s fam – hmmmmm
Years with J’s fam (above)
Years with my mother. Doing the right thing, AND trying to find my enjoyment in it. And sometimes yes having:) Lots. Thank you, God. (Remember that time here, when we chatted and ate yum yum and made brownies together and played Scrabble while we waiting for them to cook. SO MUCH fun! – Now I would NOT have expected that!)

Grow As Self

How to keep growing and enjoying, as Self. What I can think of:

keep looking good every day
keep eating well, including enough greens and lots of water
exercise, if only to walk and/or dvds
spirituality! 10th step whenever need daily 11th step “checkup”
daily prayer
daily meditation
review from this morning on phone with M

Nov 27, 2019, Some Relief, Thank You, God (Talked to my sponsor M on phone)

Be pleasant have the contact have to have

Don’t push the issue
just let it be
let God

You’ll know when it’s over or when it’s a possibility

Let go of it

You can have the same “6 days” on your own
You’ve got to grow and be self before you can ever be self and J

You’ve got to be self. In and of yourself. And you’re not ready for that.

I’m trying to write the scenario. Make it be the way I want it to be.

“Am I gonna be alone for rest of life with just my cats?” – like that other one – WE DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN TOMORROW

Pathways – the one called FAITH

STAY IN THE NOW. And just be with what’s happening now.

If bug him, won’t work

If want to, rip guts out

Must let go of this. God you’re in charge of this. You know the answer to this. I don’t. Just show me what to do.

Let go is probably the right answer. (Because you have such a reaction to it).

Break heart trying to make relationship work when no participation on othe part.
If he comes to me, different story.
If and when, would be great. But it may not happen.

Can be friends and have the dealings with and be pleasant and who knows.

Don’t build your hopes on it or hard letdown if fails.


Not closing door on it. Asking God for the right answer.
Interact with him like always have.

That may be the way he feels about it right now.

You just

Put it out there

You can have hopes and dreams. Hope that it can happen. Don’t make plans for it to happen.
Don’t start redecorating the bedroom, you know.

Don’t set yourself up.

Holidays are just hard. For most people.

We don’t know what’s going on inside.

Let it unfold way it is

Plan some things that you enjoy
Don’t sit and get all melancholy; get on the pity pot.
Do best can.

24 hour meetings – –

heart to heart
a vision for you

B (Florida now) – has –

Don’t dwell on it.

Hicks… you can want something and be positive about it without obsessing. Just open a positive pathway Hm that might be nice and then put it away. Not just shut door on it

Can’t RELY on it to be a reality.

Any time have negative feeling,
p. 84

Cont to watch for self dis rest fear

And when crops up, ask God at once


Make amends

Resolutely turn thoughts to someone can help

Night is 11th step review

Even call M.

Discuss with somebody (in program preferably)

When blocked off from God, defenseless. No telling what might happen decisions etc.

Just boom get rid of it

Then think about somebody you can help.

If works out that way, help him.

If helping somebody else, no way gonna be feeling sorry for self.
Takes practice. Not an overnight thing.
Our brains have been doing same thing same way for long time.

Trying to rewire, not gonna happen overnight.

Don’t get discouraged.

Ch hope

adfafghiewar8ydf0ugipbpuipioh)*Y34hgkjh (!)

I just feel so off.
Sun I was dizzy – and I ate not the best, in response (crazy).
Mon not dizzy but eating worse.
Now of course emotions not tippy top…

Getting down over holiday – and bigger, like:
I didn’t pour myself into that job all those years to be alone now. I did it so WE could have this time together!


Do NO know – go the “this path” as D says
or – give up. pure acceptance, like program.
Must be a way to combine the two…

Anyway, my bottom, that I reached about almost 8 years ago, wishing to die and praying for it etc etc – – –
well maybe this is the next one now
And maybe the ONLY answer
is to give up
give in
turn it ALL over
Has my way worked? Gotten it anywhere, that one issue (J)
Same with eating

Maybe I need to be ready – maybe I am ready – to truly turn it ALL over

I need help I know that. Higher Power… Because I don’t want to be alone, but others scheeve me out, and I don’t want to keep suffering.

I guess it’s not REALLY worse than when was with and he didn’t want to be… those awful family days…
And I DESERVE someone who wants ME
And who knows? This COULD still happen
He is choosing to be in my life…
And maybe, just maybe, I’m supposed to be — am — learning something from this? Growing…

It’s just that I – I want what others have!
I’m nice. Why not me?
So many have.
Ok, so well, the way I grew up was rough and there were long-term implications… And I have done very well, job home, niceness, not criminal, etc.

I’m doing the best I can
I’m a LOT better than before.
Than ever before.
and I am about to turn it ALL over

Also, I WANT more irl life. Fb is only fb. Meetings, well… I need my OWN tribe!

Another thing:
I didn’t POUR myself into that job for “us.” I WORKED for “us.” I POURED myself in for the kids and myself.

And then –
I am not the only one.
There are many many others.
Some without food even
Or freedom
Or anyone
Some homeless

Ask God to go before me – EVERY situation
And what to do about this, that, EVERYTHING
some from the Ornish stuff
The OA things
Meditate, of course

You know how I want to find out from Abraham, how to NOT manifest injuries/illnesses because simply those are THE times I don’t care so much about J… I care only about getting better.
Well, that PROVES – the fact that i want to find out how not to – PROVES FURTHER that I DO care so much about mySELF!