Gratitudes Jan 7

  1. That my contractor is honest.
  2. That he and his company do good work
  3. And I think stand behind it when there *is* a mistake.
  4. And they clean up afer selves.
  5. And like, make sure I can get into driveway to park and so on.
  6. Yesterday, they were here for wall, and they cleaned the little bit of snow from my steps and car – AND
  7. rang bell to ask did I want to give key so they could start my car for me and it would be all toasty warm when I went down to leave for work. So nice.
  8. That I have positive groups of inspiration for fb peeps. I am thrilled to contribute
  9. that my aide, whom I love as a person AND as a classroom aide, thinks I’m a good (great) reacher
  10. That my students are happy
  11. I am so lucky to have vegetables nad fruit and even luxury money like to go to a movie, a pedicure, a massage sometimes, dinner out, presents, etc. Very lucky
  12. That I am lucky enough to be ABLE to work
  13. That I am lucky enough that my parents paid for college
  14. and that I had a good enough brain to go there and to succeed
  15. and had enough money in marriage with Ji to go for Master’s
  16. which enabled me to keep my job
  17. and buy my own (LITTLE) house
  18. I am lucky that I have water
  19. I am lucky that I have breath.
  20. I am grateful for the book, The Secret
  21. I am grateful for Roseanne show repeats, which kind of calm me a bit
  22. I am grateful for every bit of calm I have
  23. I am grateful for doing the readings
  24. and reflecting on them
  25. I am grateful for doing the gratitudes
  26. and the journal
  27. and the meditation
  28. for all of this now. and that right now as Im writing about hit here, my 2 birds are  chirping so happily
  29. I am grateful that my young bird sat on the empty greens dish and squawked his head off so I realized the opportunity and filled it with greems, which he went RIGHT AWAY to eat. It’s like he asked me for them!
  30. I’m grateful that they love the water spraying. ‘Cause they need it, since they don’t bathe.
  31. Ok. I am grateful for coffee, as not only does it help me really wake up, but it improves my MOOD; my EMOTIONS.
  32. I am grateful for reading. I mean, I feel a little bit conflicted as it is the opposite of mindfulness, right? When reading fiction anyway. But at this point in my life, after all I’ve been through, I just care about feeling ok in the day (or the evening or the night)
  33. And mostly I am able to
  34. I am grateful to hear other people, Oprah, people on fb, friends irl, share about negative feelings
  35. I am grateful for tires that are supposedly ok in snow
  36. I am grateful for the strength I HAVE gained. #1. to be ABLE to socialize at all
  37. #2 to be ABLE to decide if today is too snowy for my mother or not. I will decide within the next 45 mintues
  38. and TRY not to worry about what the others will think of me
  39. This:15780841_350014488698074_1799029554380686097_n.jpg
  40. My *decision* to try to accept Ma’s crazies and wow TOTALLY UNEVEN treatment of me, without letting her walk all over me, while keeping her happy enough to still be good to my mother. Hard!
  41. What else am I grateful for? My friendship with L
  42. My birds seem happier. I wonder if it’s BECAUSE I’ve been spraying them now. They need the water ON them apparently, and won’t bathe… Anyway, I’m so happy that they are so happy and lively now
  43. Baths. I shall take a good long hot bubble bath after grats!
  44. D having changed her life, and sharing about it.
  45. Hope
  46. How pretty the snow is
  47. That today got cancelled, because I would have had trouble even getting out of here!
  48. That I am better at being wrong now.
  49. the happy times I have had –
  50. and that I will have more!
  51. Including: sitting on floor in L’s computer room with my laptop on cushions he brought up for me with coffee he made/brought up for me
  52. Sex with J
  53. Sex with L
  54. Walks in woods with J
  55. Every time with MA
  56. When J read TO me when eye scratch
  57. I think same thing Ji too? Or at list how good Ji was to me when eye scratch
  58. And many more
  59. I am grateful for my recent APPRECIATION of female friends
  60. The book my group is now reading. It doesn’t quite seem like “good enough” literature to me, but then again, it is like the books I used to love reading
  61. Doctors
  62. Medicines
  63. And I’m grateful for when I don’t need them
  64. The sound of my birds’ wings flapping
  65. Columbo on Netflix. Yup. Really.
  66. Knitting blankets for kids who are sick.
  67. Flowers growing during the season…
  68. Wall WILL get done somehow (money omg…. but somehow)
  69. jigsaw puzzles online
  70. M who feels she is my “sister” ❤
  71. didn’t get charged for cancelling something when really couldn’t go ’cause of snow
  72. happy life sounds in my house. The birds help me not feel (or be so alone!
  73. someone will come and shovel later
  74. meanwhile i’ll chill
  75. i MIGHT play in concert this winter omg (i might chicen out)
  76. eyesight!
  77. Helen Keller and her inspirational writings
  78. and the great kids’ books about her for my students
  79. and they they always love her. Every class every year.
  80. colors
  81. jigsaw puzzles irl (not just online)
  82. toys for my birdies
  83. my Petroff piano
  84. stages and how I am ind of comfortable on them (with acting, not with piano)
  85. Plays I’ve been in
  86. That the hardest times of my life are NOT here now
  87. That my blood is good
  88. and my brain
  89. and my veins
  90. and my skin
  91. and my digestive system
  92. my doorbell
  93. my cell phone tone
  94. classical music
  95. schubert
  96. chopin
  97. mozarat
  98. bach
  99. beethoven
  100. rachmaninoff

Journal Jan 7

Jo just here talking about architect’s new demands for city – and to fix my retaining wall on the little-house, which is an emergency, the city is MAKING ME replace – not repair but REPLACE – the sidewalk THEY own – and now, adding MORE cost to this job by demanding that the wall – which has stood find for NINETY YEARS – needs 2 – 3 feet MORE of foundation under the DRIVEWAY oy – and more and more and more – and I do not HAVE the money. But – it is what it is and – well – Serenity prayer.

Now I will do grats and meditate and be back.

Phew. Done. Took hours. But is ok, I’m off. Now bath.

God bless us all.

Readings Jan 7

For Today:

The Infinite Goodness  has such wide arms that it takes whoever turns to it. Dante Alighieri

Is there some deep, secret trouble I am withholding, even from my Higher Power?

A woman once told her group that, though she turned to God for help with “serious” matters, she felt her weight problem was too petty to bother God with. She then admitted that, although she now turns her compulsive overeating over to God, she still has to overcome the idea that some things are not worthy of God’s attention.

For today: God alone knows how badly I need help in all aspects of my life. I unhesitatingly ask for that help.

My takeaway – I do need help in all – ALL – aspects of my life. I must – and will – remember to ask for it. — I like that I’m living more IN it – the spiritual way.

Voices of Recovery:

“Accept that a bite or two will not make a bad situation better.” Think First

My sponsor has a wonderful way of reminding me what that phrase means. When I tell her that I can’t go on, she says, “If I thought that food was going to fix your husband (kid, job, etc.), I would tell you to eat. It won’t.”

That brings it into focus. No food exists that will make my job situation more pleasant, cure loneliness or fatigue, heal a broken relationship, or cure an illness. Eating will not fix it!

When I know this above all else, I can look at my options. The cure or solution may manifest itself when I take it to my Higher Power. Spending quiet time and listening for an answer has solved more dilemmas and cured more ills than any amount of food. Making a phone call instead of opening the refrigerator helps me find a way to handle the situation.Reading OA-approved literature, going to a meeting, or going for a walk are the things that can help me find the path I need to take.

My takeaway: Well I KNOW that walking always helped me. And doing the “morning work” I call it, helps me. Like THIS morning, I am SO tired and frankly ate badly and feel so bad. I don’t know for sure WHAT the fuck to do. Use the Steps and Big Book including prayer and meditation and tools and meetings…. Kind of, do my part and pray for the Help and the Relief and the Lifting…


Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon. Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 59

Every day I stand at turning points. My thoughts and actions can propel me toward growth or turn me down the road to old habits and to booze. Sometimes turning points are beginnings, as when I decide to start praising, instead of condemning someone. Or when I begin to ask for help instead of going it alone. At other times turning points are endings, such as when I see clearly the need to stop festering resentments or crippling self-seeking. Many shortcomings tempt me daily; therefore, I also have daily opportunities to become aware of them. In one form or another, many of my character defects appear daily: self-condemnation, anger, running away, being prideful, wanting to get even, or acting out of gradiosity.

Attempting half measures to eliminate these defects merely paralyzes my efforts to change. It is only when I ask God for help, with complete abandon, that I become willing – and able – to change.

My takeaways: To ask His protection with complete abandon and care. — And – I don’t say this on f, because I don’t want to hurt anyone or play with their beliefs, or, to be completely honest, to have them not respect me anymore, but I don’t have the religious God concept at all anymore. I have a nature, universal goodness light life force concept. THAT is my Higher Power. And I m part of it and It is part of me and in me and around me and is there for me to tap into. In fat, I sometimes wonder if that isn’t behind even the original religious God concepts… — Another: I didn’t really see self-condemnation as a character defect per se. But it is. So good ’cause I can work on that too! And be gentler with myself. — And last – and biggest – to ask “God” for help, *with complete abandon*. Wow. Must do.

As Bill Sees It:

In ancient times material progress was painfully slow. The spirit of modern scientific inquiry, research, and invention was almost unknown.

In the realm of the material, men’s minds were fettered by superstition, tradition, and all sorts of fixed ideas. Some of the contemporaries of Columbus thought a round earth preposterous. others came near putting Galileo to death for his astronomical heresies.

Are not some of us just as biased and unreasonable, about the realm of the spirit as were the ancients about the realm of the material?

We have found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. To us, the realm of spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive, never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men.

Mine: May I have a good lunch with my mother, her aide, and my cousins. I am so nervous about it. May i be relieved of that. And may I not focus on or care about hos *I* come across, but that my MOTHER enjoy it and that M(adide0 stays and that my cousins find it a worthwhile afternoon for themselves. Amen.

PS I feel good after saying that prayer above.

How to Relax:

At any moment, we can say this small poem to ourselves and take a mini-rest. This poem is like a tiny vacation, except that it brings you back to your true home instead of taking you away from it.

Breathing in, I know I am breathing in.

Breathing out I know I am breathing out.

You can even shorten this poem; it works just as well.



My takeaway: Oh yes!

How to Eat:


When we can slow down and really enjoy our food, our life takes on a much deeper quality. I love to sit and eat quietly and enjoy each bite, aware of the presence of my community, aware of all the hard and loving work that has gone into my food. When I eat in this way, not only am I physically nourished, I am also spiritually nourished. The way I eat influences everything else that I do during the day.

Eating is as important a time for meditation as sitting or walking meditation time. It’s a chance to receive the many gifts of the Earth that I would not otherwise benefit from if my mind were elsewhere. Here is a verse I like to recite when I eat:

In the dimension of space and time,

We chew as rhythmically as we breathe.

Maintaining the lives of all our ancestors.

Opening an upward path for descendants.

We can use the time of eating to nourish the best things our relatives have passed onto us and to transmit what is most precious to future generations.

How to Walk:

People ask me, “Why do you do walking meditation?” The best answer I can give is, “Because I like it.” Every step makes me happy. There’s no use in doing walking meditation if you’re not going to enjoy every step you make; it would be a waste of time. The same thing is true with sitting meditation. If someone asked, “What’s the use of sitting for hours and hour?” The best answer is, “Because I like sitting.” Sitting and walking can bring peace and joy. We have to learn how to sit and walk so that we can produce peace and joy during the time of sitting or the time of walking. We have to learn to walk so that we can enjoy every step. Mindfulness and concentration can bring a higher quality to our breath, to our sitting, and to our steps.

My takeaway: Oh yes!

How to Love:


Love is a living, breathing thing. There is no need to force it to grow in a particular direction. If we start by being easy and gentle with ourselves, we will find it is just there inside of us, solid and healing.

My takeaway: And finally, may I start by all of it – by loving mySELF and others and all that is around me in nature. Amen.

How to Sit:


Imagine trees standing together in a forest. They don’t talk, but they feel each other’s presence. When you look at them, you might say they aren’t doing anything. But they are growing and providing clean air for living things to breathe. Instead of describing sitting meditation as the practice of concentration, looking deeply, and getting insight, I like to describe sitting as enjoying doing nothing. Primarily, sitting is to enjoy the pleasure of sitting, being fully alive and in touch with the wonders of our working bodies, the cool air, the sound of people and birds, and the changing colors of the sky.

My takeaway: It makes me feel good just reading this.



Gratitudes Jan 6

  1. This class. They are good and I believe I am keeping them happy while they learn.
  2. My birds – I sprayed above them and even on them yesterday with water and they loved it (they won’t bathe and I found out they need it)
  3. That I don’t smoke
  4. That I don’t drink
  5. Everything is okay. THAT is the real truth of my life and I’m grateful to FINALLY have started to know it!
  6. That I am able to breathe on my own, deeply and well.
  7. That I’m good enough at math “Enough.”
  8. The day at 16 my father took me to the jewelry store in the city o help him pick a gift for my mom and the whole story that goes with it. And that she many years later gave it to me and I wear it sometimes now.
  9. I did not see what I was NOT building for my future. And I am so mad at myself for that! I am trying to find he gratitude in that. – Okay – maybe that I have compassion for others. And freedom. Okay. And I can still change it. Good. Okay good
  10. The book “The Secret”
  11. Eggs
  12. Whole grains
  13. Water. Water water water!
  14. Every meal I eat that is healthy rather than compulsively motivated.
  15. That I actually crave fruit now. (Once a day or so not a lot, so is good).
  16. Mascara. Shallow and not important, but I like it.
  17. And Laura Mercier tight line, which (when I wear it lol) really brings out my eyes.
  18. That I do tend to replace my eye makeup on time.
  19. This:15391075_1173948422702177_3253647421362875085_n.jpg
  20. Every bit of comfort I get.
  21. My health. —– Must go now to work. Will try to complete latter.
  22. Just did the meditation. Feel so much better.
  23. Very little snow. Will be able to clean car and get in on time.
  24. Must kind of rush through these though a little. But don’t want to stopl Grateful that yesterday every student said one gratitude aloud
  25. And that several wanted to say more.
  26. We will make toys for shelter animals
  27. That I try to treat them as *children,* which they are
  28. That I started my favorite book with them, “Koko’s Kitten.”
  29. That that book – 30 years ago(!) CHANGED me forever.
  30. And changed (much later) the way my mother looked at animals.
  31. And many children
  32. and grown-ups
  33. One GRANDMOTHER of a kid for whom I SUBSTITUTED called me at HOME to thank me about it! Wow!
  34. That I don’t eat animals
  35. Since 1990
  36. And barely any cheese since 2007. (Although eggs now organic free range…)
  37. Berries
  38. Books that help me
  39. That I have friends who do PD ——- Ok now I REALLY have to stop and go to work!
  40. Finally getting to continue – at 8:09pm
  41. Tr’s support of my
  42. Prayer and meditation today
  43. and extra – for help with the Ma situation
  44. Which wound up going very very well!
  45. Cousins coming tomorrow!
  46. Mother great day today!’re dancing in the rain” when I told them about it!
  47. Birds so cute near me right now
  48. They love their “showers” (me spritzing them with water)
  49. The kids calling it “they are dancing in the rain
  50. I sleep well
  51. my interesting dreams
  52. no jobs tonight
  53. i know somewhat how to relax
  54. i have health. Am so very grateful for that
  55. laughter
  56. massage coming tomorrow!
  57. that i came back to this page
  58. my regular book that I’m reading (“The Traitor’s Wife” about Benedict ARnold’s wife0
  59. the book, “Marriage of Opposites” by Alice Hoffman. I lvoed that book
  60. And “China Dolls” by Lisa Se – I really liked that one too
  61. The reading dates I used to have with M.A.
  62. My friendship with Tr
  63. the book club I co-coordinated with M.A.
  64. Mar coming to my room to have lunch with me today!
  65. Our blossoming friendship
  66. All my kids were in today
  67. And adorable
  68. We will make cat toys Monday
  69. And see Koko the Gorilla video
  70. My school
  71. My principal
  72. My lamp with the stones in the design
  73. Every walk in the woods I’ve taken
  74. And at beaches too
  75. All the safety I’ve had/have
  76. Lamps
  77. Embroidery
  78. Me and Tr and B laughing so much in classroom this afternoon. What a nice thing, our time together!
  79. All the wonderful aides I’ve had
  80. Including Ak
  81. And M
  82. and Je
  83. and Al
  84. And And
  85. and more
  86. That I am fair to them
  87. That I cleaned up the classroom a little today
  88. Will do more next week
  89. That my house IS clean
  90. My mother still alive
  91. Weight Watchers
  92. Overeaters Anonymous
  93. Netflix (thank you, M)
  94. Free on Demand (Thank you, Cablevision)
  95. my chili
  96. my roasted vegetables
  97. Tomatoes
  98. Artichokes
  99. Cherries
  100. Life

Readings Jan 6


For Today:

The philosophy of waiting is sustained by all the oracles of the universe. Ralph Waldo Emerson

I need only to look and see that all things happen in their own time. The resolution of each problem has its own timetable. No amoutn of wishing, wringing of hands or raging will effect a change.

Acceptance is the simple act of going through what is presently facing me, be it pain, anger, despair, hopelessness or their opposites. When life as it really is becomes a fact that I acept as naturally as I breathe, events lose their power to throw me off balance or disturb the basic rhythm of my life.

For today: Acceptance also comes in its own time, and I do not berate myself for not having it on demand.

Journal Jan 5

Very thankful that got to all the readings and gratitudes. Will do meditation now. WILL have great day at work. Am determined to. Also very grateful that had one coffee with cinnamon and one java and then a smoothie with Shakeology, spinach, and strawberries and will now have vit. and claritan.

“Mom” on tv. I await the day when I don’t need tv “noise,” but for now, grateful have.

Grateful that sat on floor with kids for meditation yesterday.

And that they loved it!

And sleep and energy.

Ok so just meditated with the youtube video Connecting to Your Higher Power. Loved it. So grateful that so quickly change bodily and emotionally when meditate. So lucky!

Higher Power’s message: Grow and thrive  and hold face up. Gift: a genuine smile.

I DETERMINE to have a great day today and to FEEL GREAT!