A Change Aug 30 2020

Felt stomach-fall thing when saw that M had unfriended me!
*Realized – is not ABOUT her. I don’t WANT her in my life!! Is that old abandonment/rejection thing rearing its head.
*Also realized: she blocked last fall, unblocked me like June, since yesterday has unfriended me. Hmm. I’m on her mind.
***And feel so much better now. Because she’s crazy and I don’t need her and don’t like her and like my life better without her phoniness and clinging and accusations… and she did dump me amidst my multiple health crises and said and I quote, “I don’t care who I hurt,” and has never even asked my prognosis! Literally no way to know if I’m living or dying. So again, I like my life better without her (she was a COSTLY friend in many ways and no payback out of it ever).

last one summer 20 was bef. pandemic/ also will help miracle working on/ will contribute to bucket list possibilities…

what if
how HE feels about me were not an issues at ALL

and whether ANYONE wants me were not

what would i be doing

i now know I don’t like how I FEEL after eating like crap
so i want to not do that anymore
def stay vegan
more whole real foods
no junk even ww or other like that. should not need snacks.
it. has. never. helped.
and. it. has. hurt.

so i would be eating well
and reading
cleaning and doing laundry and cooking and sending for groceries
a little French and piano and jigsaw puzzles and exercise
daily walks
zoom meetings
phone calls
OUTSIDE TIME! ALL I CAN GET! – as long as feels good – which it always has! every time!

if things are still this way in the fall and even winter, then LOTS piano and French and jigsaw and exercise
and physically distant visits

Changes in Me Last Year vs Now (that I can think of, anyway) Nov 15 2019

  1. I am eating much better
  2. I feel better – more positive
  3. I am stronger physically (injury last year)
  4. I am not as lonely
  5. I go to OA regularly and am on Step 11
  6. I am better at piano.
  7. There is NO bullshit in my life! None coming in, nonoe going out.
  8. I am not as insane about J.
  9. I finally have a warm coat.
  10. I take better and more consistent care of my skin.
  11. I am so much better with the mail!!
  12. and with the garbage too
  13. and with meditation
  14. and have been with moving, too.
  15. So much better attitude about things that come up, like about the trees, or money…
  16. More patient
  17. More understanding
  18. More kind to myself.
  19. More compassion
  20. Took huge step for self: retirement. And haven’t regretted it!

And from few years ago:

1. House always neat
2. Car much neater
3. Much better with birds
4. Less time vegging out with tv
5. Less to no 7-11 crap

Wow. Sept 22 2019

Thank you, Daddy.
Thank you, Mommy.
Thank You, God.
Thank you, Friends.

Both eyes went perfectly well.
Now I just need the lung to. I think it will.
I have started to choose fun and adventure rather than just safety and boring.
I have come to accept where J is in my life and appreciate it.
I have come to love every day.
I have come to love myself.

I have felt bliss many many times.

I am grateful. A bit tired and dehydrated so can’t think much more at the moment. But wanted to record this. Grateful.

Wow. Sept 27 2019

One year ago today:
Tuesday I had a couple of seconds without pain.
Yesterday, although I awakened at 3:20 and cried in pain on and off for 4 1/2 hours (nb I participated in a pain-tolerance study years ago. Came out higher than football players. I have a very high tolerance for pain), I had about 2 minutes sitting on the bench in the gym, then about a minute at the gas station in the car, and then a couple of minutes in the shower, without pain.
First time in 15 days any minutes without pain. And I am so grateful. ‘Cause that means I will have more! Am following what my practitioner says… Very grateful and hopeful.

And now:
No pain.
No. Pain.

What I Want to Be Sept 25 2019

I want to be patient. Not quick to anger, whether I show it or not – the feeling of it.
I want to forgive. Fully and totally. Which goes with the above.
I want to not care what anyone else thinks of me. Unless it’s someone close and is a misunderstanding and I’m just wanting to straighten it out for the truth.
I want to live in this state of gratitude and grace rather than fear.
I want to bring more family into my life.
I want to bring partner into my life.
I want to be someone who is as perfect as possible about caring for Mother Earth.
I want to take care of my body with the good foods and with moving.
I want to do more fun things consistently.
I want to accept.

Huge. Aug 22 2019 (Big Change #6)

  1. To have my niece’s friendship. Ahh. Huge. Thank you.
  2. My Echo Test and Stress Test yesterday. Perfect! Omg thank you!
  3. Yesterday. Ohhhh
    The tech mentioning the water first thing in the morning,
  4. and prayer
  5. and the Bible
  6. Me. Feeling it. Like finding my way back there not out of fear, out of good! Wow!!!!!!
  7. I can see
  8. I can walk
  9. I am cleared for all exercise and
  10. will go back to my dvds yay!
  11. and walk in the park omg so lucky. Couldn’t but crawl just under a year ago.
  12. that this heart business has gotten me into the 1 hour (plus usually) a day of the Dean Ornish stress management. These FEEL SO GOOD! Not just the results (those too) but during! Am SO grateful.
  13. Nothing on my calendar for next week. I’m liking that!
  14. Except – should see niece and great-nieces 1x yay!
  15. My bills are paid
  16. “My” birdies are healthy
  17. My plants are healthy
  18. “My” trees are healthy
  19. My house is safe and fine and pretty and clean
  20. Cleaning lady comes today
  21. At that time, I will go to bookstore or movie!
  22. My car is safe and pretty and comfortable and inspected and registered and insured and gased up
  23. my deep breaths. Omg thank you!!
  24. I expect to thoroughly enjoy this retirement!
  25. My recent meditation inner wisdoms: including letting go of M with love/ and the other two
  26. Dean Ornish. Thank you, Sir!

GREAT News! Aug 21, 2019

Bp 120:80
Echo Test: Perfect in every way. Strong, flow, etc.
EKG perfect.
Stress Test – 9 – 8 minutes. And they got me further than had planned/needed to
Am cleared for all exercise

I think because calcification, it does count as heart diesease, but today’s results were the absolute best possible!

I feel high.
SO grateful!

My life keeps getting better and better.

I will continue the Ornish stuff – all of it – tomorrow…

Thank you, God. Thank you.

And I feel like –  I feel like doing child-like things. Coloring and sitting with feet in stream
I am CRAVING the park.
And salad.
I feel like the world is my oyster and I am its pearl and I can do exciting things too.

Wiped out
Must add about my spirit and the guy’s advice about how to talk to friends and read bible and keep smiling and i seem like happy person which is the best… … .
loved my spirit – and i his

Aug 13 2019

***This is second – or may be third – time – not caring J not want – out of POSITIVE rather than because in pain sick or injured oh yay oh yay!
(I know it happened now, this morning, and yesterday, I feel like I remember it happening this summer at libr and I noted it – too lazy to look right now lol)