So Today – Journal/ and Miracle I’m Working on – Jan 5 2020

If anyone sees this such that I should be embarrassed, so be it.

The way things are NOW with me and J,
what if I just assume he will want me
As he does things that lead that way
And what if I just ~enjoy~ *every single thing* til then. Every single thing I possibly can, which actually should be every little thing.
And what if I know – internalize – the best all the good great wonderfuls about mySELF.

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I just feel so off.
Sun I was dizzy – and I ate not the best, in response (crazy).
Mon not dizzy but eating worse.
Now of course emotions not tippy top…

Getting down over holiday – and bigger, like:
I didn’t pour myself into that job all those years to be alone now. I did it so WE could have this time together!


Do NO know – go the “this path” as D says
or – give up. pure acceptance, like program.
Must be a way to combine the two…

Anyway, my bottom, that I reached about almost 8 years ago, wishing to die and praying for it etc etc – – –
well maybe this is the next one now
And maybe the ONLY answer
is to give up
give in
turn it ALL over
Has my way worked? Gotten it anywhere, that one issue (J)
Same with eating

Maybe I need to be ready – maybe I am ready – to truly turn it ALL over

I need help I know that. Higher Power… Because I don’t want to be alone, but others scheeve me out, and I don’t want to keep suffering.

I guess it’s not REALLY worse than when was with and he didn’t want to be… those awful family days…
And I DESERVE someone who wants ME
And who knows? This COULD still happen
He is choosing to be in my life…
And maybe, just maybe, I’m supposed to be — am — learning something from this? Growing…

It’s just that I – I want what others have!
I’m nice. Why not me?
So many have.
Ok, so well, the way I grew up was rough and there were long-term implications… And I have done very well, job home, niceness, not criminal, etc.

I’m doing the best I can
I’m a LOT better than before.
Than ever before.
and I am about to turn it ALL over

Also, I WANT more irl life. Fb is only fb. Meetings, well… I need my OWN tribe!

Another thing:
I didn’t POUR myself into that job for “us.” I WORKED for “us.” I POURED myself in for the kids and myself.

And then –
I am not the only one.
There are many many others.
Some without food even
Or freedom
Or anyone
Some homeless

Ask God to go before me – EVERY situation
And what to do about this, that, EVERYTHING
some from the Ornish stuff
The OA things
Meditate, of course

You know how I want to find out from Abraham, how to NOT manifest injuries/illnesses because simply those are THE times I don’t care so much about J… I care only about getting better.
Well, that PROVES – the fact that i want to find out how not to – PROVES FURTHER that I DO care so much about mySELF!

Positive Aspects of Me with J as Is Right Now Oct 2

We get along.
We are polite.
We care about each other’s welfare.
We are not dependent or co-dependent. Not “in each other’s pockets”
We laugh together.
We are here for each other in hard times.
We both wonder about maybe getting back, I think.
He trusts me. And he can.
I trust him. And I can.
We respect each other.
We’re so nice to each other.
We can enjoy a meal together or a movie too.
We do not have anger at each other.
We’ve each grown up a lot.
We are able to do it on our own, and can *enhance* each other’s lives.
We are financially independent.
We are not hampered by pets.
I am not looking for him to complete me.
He is not looking for me to complete him.
We admire each other.
We like each other.
We love each other.
We each take care of ourself.
We each look nice.
We each want carefree and fun.
And, we each do whatever has to be done.
We complement each other (him with the taxes stuff me with the house stuff)
We each live and let live (like vegan or omnivore)
We both have compassion
We both are noble
We both are spiritual
We both are smart
We both have the same background, physically and psychologically
We’ve both learned so much.
We might be seeing each other a lot more soon.
We smile nice nice
We hug nice nice
We both smell good
We have so much in common
We ahve history


Miracle I’m Working on Entry 1

Dr K (my therapist now – I see once a month) says – as we are working on it ALL – that it is fine to at this point have hope about J. Because she knows of cases where… – and we are different now and who knows – time – changes – my mother will die and that could separate us or bring us closer together….
She says do NOT – DO anything about it. But “Put your faith in God.” (I would say Higher Power). Because you don’t know…

He did just call. Offered over and over do I need anything (due to home with flu, which he found out when at my mother’s). And even said, “You’re really not alone in this. I want you to know that.”

That meant the world to me. Even as a friend.

I shall use my manifestation board and law of attraction and hope and faith about love and marriage and family – and put my faith in my Higher Power for the best and highest good for me AND for J.

And I shall have hope and not give up now.

I pray that my strength and independence continues in strength and my judmentalisms and fears go away! God, please relieve me of those!