Journal/ Therapist July 30 2018

Could I have created this because:

lonely and now have big job that takes all my time and energy and focus
excuse to “relax” and let go of all the crap that I don’t really want to do/ think about – now have excuse
J will give me his time (oh, that’s SO pathetic)

omg

— later:
Omg like – is there a fear – that – that – what will life BE – only empty – if all is ok – and does THAT keep me from the ok omg

Later –
So I’m sitting outside now. About to start another book. Just finished read-through of Love Yourself Heal Your Life or whatever it’s called – a out to start You Can Heal Your Life (which I read many years ago)
And got this amazing feeling – wow – like – this idea came to me – and felt – relaxed and happy to be sitting outside  with this work to do.
Reminded me of those healing times – after injury – after pneumonia…- J and me counting – you have 83 days off! and me on lounge chair back here with iced tea and phone and book
and ALL the many MANY times in den like a Sat afternoon – with notebook at my side because magazines/tv/whatev relaxing (because “HAD to”_ – ideas and thouhts an d- helpful?- feelings would come to me.
Wow.
Have I believed I NEDED to be sick and healing in order to relax and enjoy?????La

-Later
oh, and when I had those mutilation fantasies breashts and eys omg

For Therapy on July 11

This first line done morning July11: half hour the big issue and only IF TIME, rest the Debbie thing? – or maybe not bother with 2nd

I think I would do anything to get better from this.
The sinking stomach regarding J (and whatever else is under that).
What is the WAY?
I don’t WANT to continue on this way!
I am not afraid of work, time, looking at hard things, homework,…whatever I have to do!

ALSO SEE EARLIER ONE FROM LIKE JULY 2 – because didn’t bring laptop in last time

Writing this part at D’s on July 7:

Also will put in “Therapy” so can discuss with her:

My stomach – PIT! Like stomach dropping out. Starting night of 4th of July. Big yesterday and today
It is definitely J – related.
AND – on 5th he called about probate and I felt stomach drop as soon as saw his name on phone – he was nice – ok fine – but I was SO nervous – and THEN – he asked like second time, What else new? And I mentioned have to get park pass want to go beach. And don’t go to other one (OB) on own – if he ever wants to go with…. and he kind of almost giggled nervously and like “yeah…” meaning yeah no – you know how that sound is. And then said, “You can get that park pass easy – right at the …”
I. Felt. Like. Shit.

Felt desperate.

And the question is:
Why the stomach thing – oh God could it be that it is intuition – there is no hope and somewhere inside me knows it –
OR – could it just be my own FEAR – in which case still bad ’cause fear can cause it to happen…
So I am VERY disturbed by this.

Am TRYING to raise my vibration a la Law of Attraction.
I feel that (and I couldn’t say this about OA …).I would do ANYTHING to get over this problem.
And yes, I know it is not 100% J related – is way earlier problem….
God please help me.
Many tears this week.
Nervous and even a little scared.
It has helped a touch writing about it here.
God, please help me.
Amen

Today is the 9th now:
from youtube Abraham Hicks Start Attracting Like a Magnet:

 

  • well-being is the only stream that flows (don’t pull against it)
  • From the youtube right now: What does my Inner Being know about this – and
  • What does my Inner Being think about this – and
  • What does my Inner Being feel about this – and
  • The Source within you only sees that which is a vibrational match to that which is good
  • Inner Being, Source within Me: what do You think about this – and listen – do it all day – and will feel thoughts of reassurance relief washing through you again and again – allowing self to come back into alignment with who you are on every subject
  • In your thriving – you are tuned to well-being – love – clarity – etc. So tune self to these
  • Self – so tune self “How am I tuning myself” – I have the capacity to see something I do like wherever I look – or to look somewhere else –
  • can control what feel because can control what think about
  • help yourSELF
  • which was also the message at Thich Nhat Hanh’s educator’s retreat
  • not be results oriented – be how feel in moment oriented
  • Your Alignment is not like degree – once get is yours forever more – it is or isn’t in the moment – is always available to you is just a thought or 2 away –
  • ex instead of coming together as a group trying to figure out how to get big clump of money so can do something with it, enjoy being together as group
  • instead of figure out where to put the money – point is understand are endless places and one place is as good as another
  • point wasn’t to find most needy place to put money there
  • the point was to have a reason for money to flow through you toward something that made you feel good while it was flowing through you
  • give because it feels good to give (not because other person begging)
  • ex don’t give money to someone because they need money – give because inspired to – freshness aliveness happy withlifeness looking for where going of person might evoke it from you….
  • feel that something wonderful going to happen to you will be in your vibration and affect…
  • all from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCL-Xi6h2hM
  • EXPECT the wonderful!
  • when in alignment with who you are, are cued up
  • Source of you knows who you are how you feel and everyone else to – will cause impulses – be tuned in tapped in turned on – your work is to figure out what you’re feeling and from where you are wherever it is, find the best feeling that you can
  • today i’m going to look for things to feel good about and i’m gonna do my best to feel as good as i can feel whenever i’m consciously aware that i’m feeling at all
  • is mantra
  • only mantra
  • and eternal quest
  • and will feel little better about this – and this – and this…
  • better better better and no longer now needing to control things because can’t anyway and
  • you feel better anyway
  • and the better you feel, the more aware of how you feel you are
  • and better able to make choices
  • and life just flowing along and life going so good for you
  • no longer paddling hard upstream and getting tired and ornery – just let go of the oars and boat turns around in the stream
  • when I relaxed and allowed self to enjoy everything ever wanted was within easy reach and my boat in the water took me to it
  • gave up struggle trained to perfect, and in moment did that, things started getting better
  • never had anything to prove anyway. and attempt to proving it was messing up my life
  • i was worthy without the struggle but couldn’t get reward until stopped strugge
  • an good person anyway – nothing need to do to prove that to anyone
  • everything that matters to me everything that is good already knows my goodness
  • is ME that doesn’t know it – not God
  • let SELF know your goodness
  • enjoy ride on river – is a really frolicking good ride – takes me to wonderful places
  • wonderful other people also riding the river
  • stream causes us to rendevous and have really good times together

on July 11 – maybe need homework?
(debbie thing a little – nutshell equals she doesn’t ask she tells – we are doing … …. for the WEEK and you are coming – MY idea is say many appointments and things to do but which 2 days are best for you? OR to have honest discussion about my healing – but I don’t know that she CAN because will feel insulted that I don’t want to go the house of the wise matriach and do it THERE – her way {when i NEED piano and morning spiritual work and workouts and you and ww and oa and my home and my friends and my birds and my garden… but i don’t WANT it in isolation and i DO want my family!})

I have been sick. Twice for DAYS each in Oct
then in winter
then flu in Feb
then again I think and can’t even remember
then pneumonia in June
take stresses into chest – do NOT want to!
do NOT want to be overwehlemed!

HAVE been spending more and more time – and want need MORE on the law of attraction stuff raise vibration
AND – feel NEED this for mental AND physical self

 

July 2 “Therapy” for next time

Okay so now I have 3 plans-opportunities for this week. i’m not thrilled about any of them. BUT – better than having none.
It tells me though, it is the INTERNAL stuff – ’cause that’s why I kind of can’t enjoy anything. But then again – I always only could when guy was in life and here at least for later. But that’s not healthy that’s pathological. so this gives me an oportunity again to be stronger better happy

and see Journal July 2 for more of the story
Also – it’s taking HOURS and HOURS to do the gratitudes omg

NEED to work on this
M doesn’t feel it
D doesn’t understand it (cause it makes no SENSE)
Oh God if I knew then what I know now – the importance of fam. Of my loved one being here
I mustn’t take away that J had/s problems too, though. But – if I’d known what to do, I could have made it work out differently – But mustn’t hate self either for it, because did all could. I grew up the way I did, with the problems I did have…
I even had it when Ji and I were married and I finally got to quit work and have a little house. But I would linger in bed til like 11 am no PURPOSE. lonely… … … (Ji even gave me a pad ton write plans on like day minder and said he knows I NEED to be busy doing things. HE knew. I didn’t.
I need purpose that’s why even work helps. and the love and appreciation I get too. But I don’t want to be that person who works for like EVER. But I must remember I manifested a FAMILY – THAT was the part I was concentrating on and BELIEVED (ex what I’d written in ww booklet) and now I can manifest this too! And enjoy meantime!

Why do people take so much crap from fam. relationships? Because THEY *KNOW* the importance of family! I do now too… PRIMARY family I mean

And adding this here on JULY 3:
I might as well really DO the meditations, vortex stuff, READING about the stuff too, and meetings – not only so good for my future, but changes my feelings DAILY and also opens up so many possibilities…

And this:
Everybody has tough times. It is just part of life. Mine are all in my own head and therefore I (have to lol) believe can be changed.

July 4:
HOW “so much better since starting therapy” ?

Abraham Hicks

The BIG thing is the J thing – the abandonment thing – the rejection thing – the how small I make myself thing – the major INFERIORITY thing (on the other side of which is the superiority thing!
maybe the anger thing
and the eating – which I don’t think you can help me with maybe cause not compulsive eating specialist? (not offense meant here!)

4th 6:20 pm
Wow.
This feels like shit.
Family and friends who “love” me.
NOT. ONE. PERSON on the planet invited me to anything. D did but took it back when I referred to it, “Oh I think we’re not going; it’s probably gonna rain.” Yeah, well it’s not raining.
No one wanted to be with me? I have nothing to contribute that anyone would want?
No one even felt sorry enough for me to invite me?
Wow.
This is shocking.
Hurtful and disappointing and shocking.
I really don’t know if I’ll ever trust again.
😥

Dream July 1 ’18 toward morning

July 1
Dream
Big shot at work (no real person just dream)

Not so cute but cute enough

And seemed a little interested

Couple uncomfortable exchanges with 2 other people – one trying to “make me” do something in front of whole staff – from memory – when I kept saying I would need a card

I felt it was making e look stupid oh well

But he wound up saying, when we were over working together on something (lie a workshop atmosphere): Let me ask you something. Would you like to go out sometime.” And I said, TOO enthusiastically, “Sure.”

Later he said something that felt good to me and something that felt bad to me

The good: how stupid that one person *in the exchange) was

Other: something that sounded like “out” meant about work

Bt we went out

And we were walking like Chinatown type place – something city –

He was talking about future fancy restaurants

*I * was the one now more invested – already –
(think: Angeline and Brad)

*I * was light-touching him too much. … What I was really invested in was him finding me acceptable and wantable (not saying desirable because wasn’t about sex was about acceptability)

At one point he said something I didn’t like or something and came down (tall) to kiss me on mouth and I didn’t let

Then I was – glad I didn’t, for me, but worried now I’d be REALLY unacceptable

We wound up LONG walk to get home

I . Was. Naked! It was his fault. We were walking (real streets and aquaduct and park near my house) and people were looking. Lots of guys. Black guys…

I was furious. Embarrassed. Dying to get home. So disappointed and angry.

(Self –  are you phony and afraid for people to see the real you and angry when they might?)

On and on like this. SO mad. He didn’t care at all. Maybe thought was funny or something?

Finally got home. (different home) Touch counter, rounded corner to other room, touched counter (lots like kitchen counters). Grounding self – reminding of when home from D’s in May – health food store – put away cold – straight to piano – hadn’t even brought bags up!

Things to Remember – Today’s Journal – and for Therapist – June 12, 2018

Wow. 6:42 am Tuesday. Been sick for over a week/ home with pneumonia since Sat morning. And here I sit thinking – more important FEELING – like I’d better check each room for straightening, shower and wash hair, put on cute clothes – because landscaper coming. (friend used to be lover). REALLY? Omg my sense of worth is in such need. It’s about being unworth and will always be alone…

And “I have to do the report cards, and the laundry, and make sure all is ready for cleaning lady Thursday…” Wow. I need a LOT more meditation!

But the good is that my breathing is so much better.
And last night I felt relieved
And this – the happy irony – I went to store for few minutes yesterday, rather than asking Jo to go for me. On way back, getting out of car, I had this thought: I am so happy that I am capable. I am so proud of myself. I don’t need J. And I don’t need ANYBODY that doesn’t want ME.
I no sooner get in the door, but J texts that sorry I’m sick and do I need anything! That felt SO good.
So while sick I heard from:
M, D, Tr, MT, N, A, D, J, MI.
I am not alone!
And of course later I started thinking, “J would rather be with me if he could stand it. His life will be easier. I think it could happen…” and I felt better… (emotionally)

anyway, M just called and is frantic. a LOT going on with her. I was able to be there for her without really taking it in. That’s what I want to do.

Now that I’m starting to feel better, I must be careful: Better not well. Slow. Baby steps. Health first.

Grateful to have this chance at life

7:47 May I never again –  NEVER! – need to rest “from life” so much that my body becomes sick.

8:06 – after last night’s fear about how “crazy” i could be (asking jim to not die that year…) – realizing it is ABOUT what can i do NOW?! life is NOW
And even on show “My 600-lb Life” yesterday, the therapist telling the person to write about the bad life experiences but with a new twist of how strong she’s become

2:25 pm
You know, I have had to fight a lot of physical things. The year-long injury. The 10-day hospitilization. Flu 3 times. Pneumonia 3 times. Lyme disease that took 6 1/2 weeks just to DIAGNOSE! over a year out of 3 in bed from the lyme disease, double pneumonia, and 4 accidents. The bleeding omg. 2 shots/ 2 hysteroscopies/ finally a hysterectomy.
So, like really, I haven’t had much chance to be – to be and enjoy and not just be healing.
that doesn’t even count the psychological – the wanting to DIE when J left – the way back D.C. snipers – the 90’s Twin Tower attack/ the summer’s since J’s gone… the mother things…

3:23
Somewhere this is big related to my mother too. The grief…

 

Things to Remember – Today’s Journal – and for Therapist – June 11, 2018

I had a couple of clean breaths this morning.
A mentioned Sundays are for doing nothing and I realized I STILL don’t have a “lazy” day.
Yes, partly I’m always accomplishing or collapsed. Which is sessions in itself.
But also – I think I’m afraid of the not doing – like the silence – although it winds up feeling good sometimes – also the – not worthy to live. So must accomplish to be a bit more worthy AND must
shit I forgot that thought right in the middle of it!
the 1st was to sort of earn my way
the second – to not face the horrible fears?
I am even afraid – very – there goes my chest (pain) – about money now… long-term…
oy God

I think I should work the two years more but start each day with meditation – and go slow – not allow anyone else’s crap to determine my day, my speed, my self-worth feelings, my anything!

Ok already (7:06) I’m feeling like – so much to do! Report cards! Bills! Acme for return and pick up! Find the notebook with the bills information – and the rest starts building. NO. ALL I HAVE to do today is pay car. Find nb if can. That’s ALL.
IF I am bored I can do about 4 – 5 report cards.
BREATHE.
Meditate asap.

There must be a belief that I CAN’T do it! Despite for how long I HAVE been doing it!
Because I am like sick-in-the-chest over just paying the car bill today! – But I always do it. Like feeling chesty over it! I must do it now to get it overwith and stop worrying. Omg.
And wondering (worrying) now – is this so ingrained – so long – so old – that it cannot be helped…. 😥

Last – every beep from fb pm – every phone call – every text – becomes my emergency – why? – And what is the way out of/past/through this?

PS I LOVE my flowers outside. They are bringing me happiness!

The – I get upset that so old before could do… –
Then I remember what MA’s mother said and MA told me – and I think: just go for the happiness from here and now (and IN here and now)

Sometimes though, it makes me worry about future money

and what exactly is MY obsession with fb? I think I’m AFRAID to be ALONE – like if i don’t keep up, i won’t have these people. but hello, i don’t anyway!

Things to Remember – Today’s Journal – and for Therapist – June 10, 2018

I am home sick with pneumonia.
PNEUMONIA. Again!

i realize how much emotional is involved

 

i have been under TREMENDOUS pressure
 i have allowed it
 like not good enough
 must this must that
 i must change that now
 

 

that’s why i think it is emotional
fear about money/ fear that sister will hate me/ fear that no man will love me/ fear that i’m not good enough at work/ fear that i don’t look good enough/ fear that i am not energetic enough/ fear fear fear

MUST change THAT

realizing today – 2nd day home SICK WITH PNEUMONIA(!) that can’t even sit or lie down and read until all is done – birds (ok fine on that one) / dishes/ shower/ look ok enough/ straightened/ etc etc. Thats all well and good to get that stuff done but I CAN’T TAKE A BREATH – the stress of not doing enough – not being good enough – not being WORTHWHILE – is in my chest!
Will ask Dr K can I come week of 27th plus once a week for july and twice for august! MUST make changes – and GENTLY with self!
xoxo to me

now will take shower and set up humidifier. is 10:49 shouldn’t i be able to rest by now up since 7 oy
Update 11:39
Took hot bath. Helped.
Put on vicks vapo rub. Helped.
Started to let go and relax. Helping.
Humidifier not working. Won’t let self get upset about it.
1:18PM

Anger:If you want to create better health in your body, there are definitely some things you must not do. You must not get angry at your body for any reason. Anger is another affirmation, and it’s telling your body that you hate it, or parts of it. Your cells are very aware of every thought you have.Anxiety/Nervousness:
Distrust the natural flow of life.
Affirmation: I love and approve of myself and I trust in the process of life. I am safe.Breath:
Represents the ability to take in life.

Breathing Problems:
Fear. Not trusting the process of life. Getting stuck in childhood. Fear of taking in life fully.
Affirmation: I love life. It is safe to live
**Fear or refusal to take in life fully. Not feeling the right to take up space or even exist.
**Affirmation: It is my birthright to live fully and freely. I am worth loving. I now choose to live life fully.

**Breath represents the ability to take in life.
**I love life. It is safe to live.

Breathing Problems:
Fear of the refusal to take in life. Not feeling worthy to take up space.
Affirmation: It is my birthright to live fully and freely. I am worth loving. I now choose to live life fully.
Affirmation: I experience peace and harmony within myself and all around me. All is well.

Bronchitis:
Inflamed family environment. Arguments and yelling.
Affirmation: I experience peace and harmony within myself and all around me. All is well.

Fat:
**Oversensitivity. Often represents fear and shows a need for protection. Fear may be a cover for hidden anger & resistance to forgive.
**Affirmation: I am protected by Divine Love. I am always safe and secure. I am willing to grow up and take responsibility for my life. I forgive others & now create my own life the way I want it. I am safe.

Overweight:
Fear and shows a need for protection
(Same affirmation)

Flu:
Responding to mass negativity. Putting too much faith in statistics.
Affirmation: I am beyond group beliefs or the calendar. I am free from all congestion and influence.

Pneumonia:
Desperate. Tired of life. Emotional wounds that are not allowed to heal.
Affirmation: I freely take in Divine ideas that are filled with the breath and the intelligence of life.
This is a new moment.

Respiratory:
Fear of taking in life fully.
Affirmation: I am safe. I love my life.

4:33pm
Just ate stuff I shouldn’t be eating. Lot of sugar.
And remembering NY after married to Ji under a year. me 24 him 23. and I said to him, “Don’t die this year.”
God that hurts to admit.
How sad.
How sick.
How pathetic.

 

4:49 More truth than I’ll ever want to admit (from internet):

Oh Pisces… everyone hates you because you have too many feels. Like seriously, it’s just brunch, it’s not a heart-exploding blessing from the universe about love and friendship. It’s literally bacon and mimosas. Please stop crying.

Feels don’t always mean being a mush pile. Rihanna is a Pisces, and she uses her massive feels to be fierce. You’re not Rihanna, though. You’re just really bitchy sometimes, especially when your feelings are hurt, which is another reason people hate you.

Me: I’m not clingy
Someone: doesn’t talk to me for a day
Me: (pic wrapped in blanket)

Oh no. We have a stage 5 clinger alert! If a Pisces is really into you, they can be clingy like no other sign. And since they take everything so personally, you can’t even tell them you need space without their world ending — and without more of the dang crying. Seriously. Please stop crying, Pisces.

34881865_571877929863042_6982838918819348480_n.jpg

 

 

 

For Dr K next time

 

Feb 7

12:43 – and now – mother crisis. Thank God for J’s help. He is the thinker. God please, don’t let her suffer.
On a should be far less important than my mother’s life or deah note: J’s behavior like I’m such an agrevation – feels horrible too. And is a great reminder I do not EVER want to be treated that way again. I do not want to be felt that way about! If someone doesn’t like me, so what?
AND – wth is it about me? What did I do? I don’t thik it IS me – I think it’s stuff I represent…

Therapy – August 30 Session

So, I am to describe, on a scale 1 – 10 or 0 – 10, what I wouldn’t do for J. Where would I draw the line. I don’t understand the scale fully, but I know these things. I would NOT:

kill someone (including an animal)
hurt someone (including and animal)
eat meat or dairy
give up oa
give up therapy
give up meditation
give up my spiritual work
be with criminals as friends
live with drugs taken “in my house”
live with abusive behavior
live with being cheated on
Sept 3 – adding: live with someone who yells at me
live with someone who ignores me
live with someone who always “makes me feel” not good enough
become poor because of other person’s selfishness

Also –
She believes as I work it through, that recurring dream where can’t walk – I’ll stand up and walk in it – or – I just won’t have it anymore!