Could I have created this because:
lonely and now have big job that takes all my time and energy and focus
excuse to “relax” and let go of all the crap that I don’t really want to do/ think about – now have excuse
J will give me his time (oh, that’s SO pathetic)
Omg like – is there a fear – that – that – what will life BE – only empty – if all is ok – and does THAT keep me from the ok omg
So I’m sitting outside now. About to start another book. Just finished read-through of Love Yourself Heal Your Life or whatever it’s called – a out to start You Can Heal Your Life (which I read many years ago)
And got this amazing feeling – wow – like – this idea came to me – and felt – relaxed and happy to be sitting outside with this work to do.
Reminded me of those healing times – after injury – after pneumonia…- J and me counting – you have 83 days off! and me on lounge chair back here with iced tea and phone and book
and ALL the many MANY times in den like a Sat afternoon – with notebook at my side because magazines/tv/whatev relaxing (because “HAD to”_ – ideas and thouhts an d- helpful?- feelings would come to me.
Have I believed I NEDED to be sick and healing in order to relax and enjoy?????La
oh, and when I had those mutilation fantasies breashts and eys omg