This feeling –
Huge this: this feeling – is it so different than when he WAS here, and I was worried because he was so… … …
indifferent, angry, depressed, sullen… …
I am starting to feel a bit better. Friends on fb, where I asked for support, time after the vaccine, and piano, have all helped. Huge point above though.
- when baby – so physical – “never” feel “satisfied” (until i feel physically ill). But it’s ok. I always had it!
2. when J here – because still “alone” – so HIM being here ISN’T the answer!
B. – me going into Sr M. A.’s office to use phone. Felt sick – STOMACH dropped even! – over B! NOT about B, obviously. Is the old issue. Therefore not about J either. Not really. Wow. After yesterday’s huge aha moment writing (handwritten in book) journal, this is huge. Wow
Too much time alone!
But not so hot and humid. And my head is better. And I can walk, sit outside, take drive,
*do some French
*color a bit
And what if I tried to look as good as I can every day. I mean jewelry, clothes, hair, temporary tatoos…
Even have fun with it.
And the time will pass. And the pandemic will be over. And I will have lost all the weight.
“You look at the situation you find yourself in. And you decide which is your best shot at happiness in it. And you go for that.”
The night before she left for her family vaca in California, my best friend (who died suddenly Tues night on that trip) shared this with me and it is POSITIVE and I am SO GRATEFUL that she shared it with me! So I want YOU to have it!
She told me how when her parents were in their 40’s, her father died suddenly. Her mother went back to teaching… fast forward -> At about age 62, her mother decided to move to California from the east. Everyone told her she was crazy and shouldn’t but she did. Got a teaching job out there. Wound up meeting a lovely man and remarrying 1 – 2 years after she moved there. Eventually, some time in her 60’s, left teaching and went into his antiquing business with him. Had many happy years!
And these are the words and lessons/examples my friend learned from her mother. Through the above and throughout many times in their lives. I typed as she was telling me – she really wanted me to have this – and I really want you to!
“Evaluate your choices and take the shot that looks most promising to you and probably the most rewarding and fun.”
“You can change things at *any* time.”
My grandmother once gave me a tip:
In difficult times, you move forward in small steps.
Do what you have to do, but little by little.
Don’t think about the future, or what may happen tomorrow.
Wash the dishes.
Remove the dust.
Write a letter.
Make a soup.
You are advancing step by step.
Take a step and stop.
Rest a little.
Take another step.
You won’t notice, but your steps will grow more and more.
And the time will come when you can think about the future without crying.
“It doesn’t matter how things are.
It only matters how I feel.”
❤ ❤ ❤
(Tonight, TF sang this on fb and it really touched me – cause morning things nervous and then tonight more – taxes thing, J, health ins payment, bites, Fr I was way behind and had lesson, just insecurities and fears)
Inside and out!
My relationship with J. Right now yes.
And more – maybe will do grat list right now
My God, wow, during the violence times,
I cried on the gynocologist table
the DOCS table sitting up – I told him
I went to Al Anon and told them
I told S and A
and R and BR at work
and personnel person IVD
and even my principal S
and of course shrink
I was scared and desperate
Don’t feel bad (to self)
None of it MATTERED
Because I didn’t FEEL good
So – yes – I could have had the pics of the NYE parties, family barbeques, etc etc. But *I* felt invisible, discontent, defective, scared, utterly unhappy. Not there. Veil over everything.
So, Self, don’t feel bad – you are OK now. You did all you could at the times. Now you are ok. And you WILL have fun times again! ❤