French and Piano Jan 21 2020

How Good Learning French Makes Me Feel!

I love my lessons.
I love doing the homework (although I never want to do it, and have put it off til “last minute,” at least some of it, both lessons so far.)
I love the sound of it.
Even with my own voice/ accent.
I love reading it aloud.
I love figuring it out.
I have all the resources, with my amazing teacher and the Internet!

There’s something that excites me doing it! It makes me feel happy.
So do it – just do it – just ~enjoy~! *

Same with piano. I love practicing. I love hearing the music come to be. I love the *thought* of playing for others. I love playing for the birds. Really. I love playing for God. Really

Feel Good, Sweetheart (Self) <3 Jan 15 2020

I kind of don’t care about anything right now but health. And that’s good. J doesn’t want me oh waah waah. Cardiologist Monday, and yesterday reaction to shingles shot. And this fall eye things.

So, (is couple hours later now) – I felt good today. Just plain old good. Yay! I LOVE that!
Just good. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. Ahhhh.

Now then I did go grocery shopping. And it was hard. Physically. Like the breathing. I do have a huge (a good 4in by 3 in) red lump on arm where shot was. So I guess is still reaction. I will go to gym but talk to trainer. Maybe just recumbent bike or something today…. (Ok – just spoke to A and to the gym. Am not going today!)

Anyway, I will continue to try to calibrate to Source, to my Inner Being. And listen to Hicks. And meditate. Also presently downloading the Calm app (as per my cardiologist Monday! 🙂 )

It is NOT about who thinks/feels doesn’t think/ doesn’t feel what about me!
~I~ am a creature of Source. I am of Source. Source is in me. I am a Sacred being.
And
I have all the conditions for happiness

Thank You.

To Remember Jan 14 2020

And what about the syphlis?
Doesn’t it tell something about how he was feeling toward me?

And
that this isn’t ABOUT me – it is about HIS abiliyties/inabilities – about which i always had some evidence and inklings

It’s okay, Honey (Self). You’re okay.

The though that you would have considered KILLING your sweet dear precious sacred self, over a feeling of need… No. No.

I’m happy in this moment.
Okay?
Okay so here’s the thing:
I’m happy in this moment.
I got up, showered, had coffee and prayed and did morning step 11, Jo came to start work, I did dishes and took up laundry and cared for birds, made bed
then went to gym and worked out, came home and showered again and washed my hair, dressed
Now am cooking something from the book, Vegan Planet (Ribolleti), and doing some more spiritual stuff. Texting love with nieces ❤ The tv is on. The birds in here are singing.And I feel good. THIS moment is not about him…
Just good to remember…

Would I really put aside all that I DO have, becasue of J?
I was in magical blissland yesterday with “my” girls (nieces). THAT is important.
I can see. THAT is important.
I have piano and birds and plants and house and new car coming. I as a good person, driving C and all…

Ok, got waylaid.

But still, I also have Tr, and MT, and my mother is not suffering. And I don’t have to see D or M
And MI contacts me
And I have a great sponsor (OA)
And my decision –
1. Live in the moment (THN: Life is only available in the present moment/ sponsor: You can only meet God in the present moment) And me: In the present moment, it’s always okay. Safe. Good. Fine.
2. Live in a state of gratitude! SO MUCH to be grateful for!
3. Make changes – fine – you want things to be different? You CAN

and 4 – the MAIN way is find the happiness here and now! ❤ (Hicks)

Dec 20 2019

I deserve to be loved.
Wanted.
Cherished.

I wish it could be J.
But maybe it can’t.

This is very hard to say. – But –
the times when –
for example the time
when he almost killed me (in his sleep) –
was he NOT “disturbed” generically but about ME?
Do I need THAT?

Ok. That’s as much as I can take of looking at that right now.

But a big point is that my energy is split – which I know isn’t the best but it is what it is.
So 1. I wish and want…
While 2. I deserve to be loved and wanted and cherished and if he won’t/can’t, someone will
and 3. I am fine now anyway.

Amen.