I’m happy in this moment.
Okay so here’s the thing:
I’m happy in this moment.
I got up, showered, had coffee and prayed and did morning step 11, Jo came to start work, I did dishes and took up laundry and cared for birds, made bed
then went to gym and worked out, came home and showered again and washed my hair, dressed
Now am cooking something from the book, Vegan Planet (Ribolleti), and doing some more spiritual stuff. Texting love with nieces ❤ The tv is on. The birds in here are singing.And I feel good. THIS moment is not about him…
Just good to remember…

Would I really put aside all that I DO have, becasue of J?
I was in magical blissland yesterday with “my” girls (nieces). THAT is important.
I can see. THAT is important.
I have piano and birds and plants and house and new car coming. I as a good person, driving C and all…

Ok, got waylaid.

But still, I also have Tr, and MT, and my mother is not suffering. And I don’t have to see D or M
And MI contacts me
And I have a great sponsor (OA)
And my decision –
1. Live in the moment (THN: Life is only available in the present moment/ sponsor: You can only meet God in the present moment) And me: In the present moment, it’s always okay. Safe. Good. Fine.
2. Live in a state of gratitude! SO MUCH to be grateful for!
3. Make changes – fine – you want things to be different? You CAN

and 4 – the MAIN way is find the happiness here and now! ❤ (Hicks)

Dec 20 2019

I deserve to be loved.

I wish it could be J.
But maybe it can’t.

This is very hard to say. – But –
the times when –
for example the time
when he almost killed me (in his sleep) –
was he NOT “disturbed” generically but about ME?
Do I need THAT?

Ok. That’s as much as I can take of looking at that right now.

But a big point is that my energy is split – which I know isn’t the best but it is what it is.
So 1. I wish and want…
While 2. I deserve to be loved and wanted and cherished and if he won’t/can’t, someone will
and 3. I am fine now anyway.


Looking for the Good in Everything! Nov 27 2019

hey, at least I’m not tempted to eat the wrong things for me or to overeat… 😉

Also, how happy were you dependently going along to family things with D omg, or with J’s family and feeling not accepted (by them OR him sometimes) and nauseous… and feeling like I’m failing at that too…

I COULD look at this as:
I had years with fam – fine – boring – fun – whatever
Years with Ji’s fam – hmmmmm
Years with J’s fam (above)
Years with my mother. Doing the right thing, AND trying to find my enjoyment in it. And sometimes yes having:) Lots. Thank you, God. (Remember that time here, when we chatted and ate yum yum and made brownies together and played Scrabble while we waiting for them to cook. SO MUCH fun! – Now I would NOT have expected that!)

Grow As Self

How to keep growing and enjoying, as Self. What I can think of:

keep looking good every day
keep eating well, including enough greens and lots of water
exercise, if only to walk and/or dvds
spirituality! 10th step whenever need daily 11th step “checkup”
daily prayer
daily meditation
review from this morning on phone with M

Nov 27, 2019, Some Relief, Thank You, God (Talked to my sponsor M on phone)

Be pleasant have the contact have to have

Don’t push the issue
just let it be
let God

You’ll know when it’s over or when it’s a possibility

Let go of it

You can have the same “6 days” on your own
You’ve got to grow and be self before you can ever be self and J

You’ve got to be self. In and of yourself. And you’re not ready for that.

I’m trying to write the scenario. Make it be the way I want it to be.

“Am I gonna be alone for rest of life with just my cats?” – like that other one – WE DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN TOMORROW

Pathways – the one called FAITH

STAY IN THE NOW. And just be with what’s happening now.

If bug him, won’t work

If want to, rip guts out

Must let go of this. God you’re in charge of this. You know the answer to this. I don’t. Just show me what to do.

Let go is probably the right answer. (Because you have such a reaction to it).

Break heart trying to make relationship work when no participation on othe part.
If he comes to me, different story.
If and when, would be great. But it may not happen.

Can be friends and have the dealings with and be pleasant and who knows.

Don’t build your hopes on it or hard letdown if fails.


Not closing door on it. Asking God for the right answer.
Interact with him like always have.

That may be the way he feels about it right now.

You just

Put it out there

You can have hopes and dreams. Hope that it can happen. Don’t make plans for it to happen.
Don’t start redecorating the bedroom, you know.

Don’t set yourself up.

Holidays are just hard. For most people.

We don’t know what’s going on inside.

Let it unfold way it is

Plan some things that you enjoy
Don’t sit and get all melancholy; get on the pity pot.
Do best can.

24 hour meetings – –

heart to heart
a vision for you

B (Florida now) – has –

Don’t dwell on it.

Hicks… you can want something and be positive about it without obsessing. Just open a positive pathway Hm that might be nice and then put it away. Not just shut door on it

Can’t RELY on it to be a reality.

Any time have negative feeling,
p. 84

Cont to watch for self dis rest fear

And when crops up, ask God at once


Make amends

Resolutely turn thoughts to someone can help

Night is 11th step review

Even call M.

Discuss with somebody (in program preferably)

When blocked off from God, defenseless. No telling what might happen decisions etc.

Just boom get rid of it

Then think about somebody you can help.

If works out that way, help him.

If helping somebody else, no way gonna be feeling sorry for self.
Takes practice. Not an overnight thing.
Our brains have been doing same thing same way for long time.

Trying to rewire, not gonna happen overnight.

Don’t get discouraged.

Ch hope