Journal Feb 9 2020

A lot of thought and a talk with A and some researach and line -and a breakthrough. Here it is:

i think i have to
find more of a LIFE
i have started
need some but few meetings (oa)
and make sure make OWN decisions who/how to be
and live more. NOW.
not associate self or others with addiciton addiction addiction
yes with trying to live reat life
not speak of character defects. i don’t like the language. but of unskillfulness (like THN). and most of all Hicks and the positives
and
Find.
More.
Fun.

Journal neg, Working It Out neg, and end: Things to Remember Jan 5 2020

Wow. That didn’t take much. I was feeling good.
Then got good hopeful-news call from lawyer about tons-of-money thing that might not be the problem it looked like it had to be.
Called J ’cause he has paper lawyer needs, from my mother’s estate.
J was nice. Fine. Yes will bring…
And all he said was – ALL he said – was, in discussing the driveway situation here, “Well what you have is…” – and my stomach has been falling out for 2 hours since then. It was so – foreign. So “you” “there” so – separate. And the hope that who knows, things can change, went away. I have since made healthy soup, looked in Big Book, called a friend, taken another call.  Heart still pounding stomach still affected. Don’t know what else to do.
Will listen to Abraham Hicks.
MAYBE meditate
MAYBE practice piano.

Help me, please, God.

— Ok so I spoke with sponsor (texting). After some questions, she wound up with:
The only healthy thing I can see you doing is to just be neutral about it and just let things happen as they. Remember…God is running your life now.

God is running my life now. THAT is actually a RELIEF.
Thank You. Amen.

Jan 5 2020

I had gotten to the point
where I was grateful when beaten
because I knew
the extra special good treatment would follow.

Back in high school, when G was writing on looseleaf, homework, breathing out through his nose, seemingly so intent only upon what he was doing.
And I – was sitting there thinking only of Oh my God I’ll have to leave, it’s Sunday night, oh no! – because I wasn’t – alive – when not in his presence
And envied So MUCH his apparent feelings in it.

And all those years later, same thing with J.
When he was home alone making hot dogs and apparently feeling good
when I walked in (some emergency of course)
and here I was DESPERATE
not – alive – when not in his presence

This isn’t fully a change yet. But it’s a beginning.
And THIS – is MY time.
I can do it
I will do it
I am doing it
and not alone

adfafghiewar8ydf0ugipbpuipioh)*Y34hgkjh (!)

I just feel so off.
Sun I was dizzy – and I ate not the best, in response (crazy).
Mon not dizzy but eating worse.
Now of course emotions not tippy top…

Getting down over holiday – and bigger, like:
I didn’t pour myself into that job all those years to be alone now. I did it so WE could have this time together!

Shit.

Do NO know – go the “this path” as D says
or – give up. pure acceptance, like program.
Must be a way to combine the two…

Anyway, my bottom, that I reached about almost 8 years ago, wishing to die and praying for it etc etc – – –
well maybe this is the next one now
And maybe the ONLY answer
is to give up
give in
turn it ALL over
Has my way worked? Gotten it anywhere, that one issue (J)
Same with eating

Maybe I need to be ready – maybe I am ready – to truly turn it ALL over

I need help I know that. Higher Power… Because I don’t want to be alone, but others scheeve me out, and I don’t want to keep suffering.

I guess it’s not REALLY worse than when was with and he didn’t want to be… those awful family days…
And I DESERVE someone who wants ME
And who knows? This COULD still happen
He is choosing to be in my life…
And maybe, just maybe, I’m supposed to be — am — learning something from this? Growing…

It’s just that I – I want what others have!
I’m nice. Why not me?
So many have.
Ok, so well, the way I grew up was rough and there were long-term implications… And I have done very well, job home, niceness, not criminal, etc.

I’m doing the best I can
I’m a LOT better than before.
Than ever before.
and I am about to turn it ALL over

Also, I WANT more irl life. Fb is only fb. Meetings, well… I need my OWN tribe!

Another thing:
I didn’t POUR myself into that job for “us.” I WORKED for “us.” I POURED myself in for the kids and myself.

And then –
I am not the only one.
There are many many others.
Some without food even
Or freedom
Or anyone
Some homeless
Wow

Ask God to go before me – EVERY situation
And what to do about this, that, EVERYTHING
some from the Ornish stuff
The OA things
Hicks
Meditate, of course

You know how I want to find out from Abraham, how to NOT manifest injuries/illnesses because simply those are THE times I don’t care so much about J… I care only about getting better.
Well, that PROVES – the fact that i want to find out how not to – PROVES FURTHER that I DO care so much about mySELF!