Month: December 2023

Dec 29 ’23

I am loving early mornings when it’s dark outside, sitting with a book, or with my laptop. All else is quiet inside and out.
Me! *I’m* loving that! I grew up HATING that. Because awake when it’s dark out meant to me that we are in the crazy house and bad things are happening while others are sleeping peacefully.
But not anymore! Yay!

Now they represent freedom and life and contentment and – me being okay.
And in another way, they represent nothing; they just are. They just are feel-good times.

Ahhh.

Well, (Dec 27 2023)

Well, I got through.
Hearing from J on Christmas Day helped.
And a nice phone chat with P did too.

This morning I wrapped the presents. It was work and made a mess (which I have since cleaned).
But – I am happy that I HAVE people for whom to wrap!
Will see some loved fam on Fri
And J whenever. So that’s gifts for 5 people yay!

So (Dec 24 ’23)

It is what it is:

J doesn’t want to live with me.
I come from a family with a lot of actual craziness.
My sister is EXTRAORDINARILY NASTY – I’m not talking about difficult. I’m talking about the family illness PLUS her own nasty, angry, vicious personality. No one I know who knows her has ever met anyone like her.

And the good is:
J is in my life, by choice. And that is worth it to me!
I don’t see the crazy ones. Most of them are dead. And, the craziness is not my fault. There’s nothing I can do about it.
My sister did me a HUGE favor when she dumped me. (She has dumped literally everyone – except her kids and grandkids. *EVERYONE*). I don’t have to suffer through time with her anymore. And, it is not my fault either. And I don’t have to have guilt as I didn’t dump her she dumped me. Thank you.

I am NOT perfect nor am I saying I am! Just these things are what they are.

Where I’ve Been/Where I Am Dec 24 ’23

So where have I been
Sick for weeks
Didn’t get depressed though and for that am very grateful!
And cared about living yay xo

Today? Eh.
I’m trying to stay positive.
Of course it is Christmas Eve and I am alone today and tomorrow 😦
But here:

  1. I am better! All better! Yay
  2. I got gifts in mail from V!
  3. I got gift in mail from MT!
  4. Tr just called!
  5. St the other day – and we’ll get together soon
  6. Nieces and nephew coming one day this week!
  7. J one day or evening too!
  8. I did 2 loads of laundry today!
  9. I will get groceries in about two hours!
  10. I actually vacuumed

    I don’t know WHY I “have to be” alone.
    I don’t know what God has in store for me.

    But I’m trying to stay positive!
    Gonna go call P now.
    And will knit later.
    Making gifts for next year. Starting now…

    Didn’t continue the 3 Abraham things a day because was coming to really feel like a job!

    XO

Dec 10, 2023

I haven’t been around. Very hard to find words for so much so I’ll just share few thoughts from last night and today.

From last night:
So I sit here really really sick
and scared
I was kind of catapulted awake. And it’s been an hour now. Coughing insanely. To the point where I almost passed out and fell on the bathroom floor 2 or 3 times.
Saw two health professionals and today’s dr gave me nebulizer and cough pills – and this? I did FIVE nebulizer treatments and 3 cough pills and 2 prednisone today, and this?

I am really really scared.

It is very hard being sick and alone.
And scary about future.
I’m not even obsessed with that right now though; all I want is to be well. To get better.

Well, it is what it is.
What can I do from here? Which is the only place where I actually am, like it or not, regret it or not…

~That was last night~

Now, This Morning:
I have hope
I was terrified last night.
KC contacted me on messenger and we shared what we’re both going through – so much the same – and how many others are too
And she said might need oxygen a.k.a. go to er.
But at dr, my oxygen was high (99 -100) so I didn’t do that
But I decided will do all CAN for health and quality of life!
And she suggested pile pillows and sort of sit=ish sleep cause for me, and many of us, with this, lying down brings on serious coughing fits and – well, you saw last night…

My work-ons are
Lower bp: Meditation. Calm. Quieter morning
Stop with the overeating period. Try the high blood sugar recommended: veg then prot with fat then starch 3 x a day
Try to stay calm and stay in the moment.
Be patient while sick. Don’t focus on any uncomfortable things.
Remember – you deserve to be loved. Not tolerated or barely so.

All my recent medical  test results and visits have gone well. This sickness is temporary.
I want to make the BEST of my life, the day.
XO
All my recent medical  test results and visits have gone well. This sickness is temporary.
I want to make the BEST of my life, the day.
XO

~And Now This Evening~
It’s getting bad again. This is getting really hard.
And scary.
Just trying to stay positive.